Puzzling #3 ~ The long, hard post....

Looking back, back to the beginning of our marriage, I clearly remember looking at Tom in absolute wonder and joy, and couldn't wait to begin our journey. To diaper babies, chase toddlers, read silly stories and pray as a family with this amazing man. His love for life and joyous heart spoke to mine and indeed, speaks to me today.... 

But in any great love story, there is doubt and fear and impatience all wrapped up into it too, isn't there? For as much as we wanted those babies, they were a while in coming.... And in that waiting time, I felt my personality shift into fear mode, with a side of envy and desperate want. This wasn't who I wanted to be. For goodness sake, I wanted the hard stuff.... Here we are, Lord. Do with us what You will... (and can you please hurry?)

And yes, in God's time, six years later, we were indeed gifted with Joseph. Our Joe. A tiny bundle of energy who brought more joy to our lives than we could begin to fathom....our world was never ever going to be the same and we couldn't have been happier. And we are still happy, but a new reality is shaping.... and we are being shaped by it.

When Joe was two, and in pre-school, I couldn't wait to go to his "Mother's Tea".  This. THIS is what I had longed for all of those years. To play and enjoy all of those wonderful mommy events. As I came down the hall and heard the joyful shouts coming from the room, it warmed my heart. But when I looked in, I saw a group of boys build a tower and then send it crashing with a truck, while over in the other corner, there were boys and girls playing house. Where was Joe? Surely, he must be in the bathroom?

And then I saw him. 

He was sitting in front of the bookcase with a book on his lap and completely entranced. My stomach dropped as I waited for him to notice me. Eventually, he looked up and with a little smile said, "Oh hi, mommy. Be right there." (Mind you, he had a speech delay, so this is what I knew he said but it didn't sound quite like this.)  Even as I type this, there is a lump in my throat. I hate to say it, but mother's intuition is a blessing and a curse. I had a background in Psychology, had worked as an Early Intervention Specialist, and was a teacher. I *knew* that this was not a typical reaction from a 2 year old. For most children, social play is typical. And while I was glad that he liked books....well....my heart has never really been the same. It's true that he has always been a little puzzle....

I have to tell you that this has been a rough week. After many years of never really having all of the answers, and knowing that he has ADHD and anxiety but that that really didn't answer it all.... 

we learned that Joe has Asperger's. 

That he is on the spectrum of autistic disorders. (And the crazy part? When the DSM-V comes out? Asperger's won't really exist. It is all going to fall under the umbrella of Autism Spectrum Disorder, or ASD. How's THAT for confusing? This disorder is so incredibly strange because it doesn't look the same in any two people. It is why it is so tough to diagnose.) 

And here is where my fear ramps up again. I imagine some people reading this, nodding their heads saying, "See. I knew it." or "How did they not know this?" I feel judged and shamed and scared to death.

When in reality, do you really think....
that I didn't know that he wasn't socially mature? 
that we buried our heads in the sand? 

Do you really know how hard this has been and continues to be?

How it breaks my heart to watch him attempt to make friends or play sports, and stop after awhile because it is just too hard? 

Do you know that when you are enjoying a houseful of people this Thanksgiving, that I will have to carefully watch and see if Joe gets too overwhelmed? Even with family? Make apologies and have him apologize?

Gosh. And family. Talk about the swirl of emotions there! As the oldest grandchild, the oldest cousin, we have to watch as the younger ones wonder why he sometimes walks away from them. More overwhelming feelings of guilt.

Disclosing this so publicly is tough, but if Tom and I have been anything, it's honest. We have to admit that this is hard for two social butterflies to understand. We crave conversation and togetherness and emotional connection. On the surface, this label that is now placed on our child screams avoidance and social isolation and disconnect.

But this label? This doesn't even begin to capture all of the wonder and spirit and character of my child. No label can begin to encompass the divine grace and goodness that is wrapped up in flesh.

Here is what I do know:

Joe's Baptism pillow, handmade by my sweet cousin, Julie Burchell Cowan

For this child I prayed. We prayed. Joe is who he is, and we are here to love him. 
No. Matter. What. 
We will continue to love and pray and fight for and nurture and help him however we can. Even if it means that we are taken out of our comfort zone. Even if we have to slow down and  allow him to grow at his own pace. Even if it is horribly messy and we make mistakes and we fall down a thousand times over. Even if....

No. We didn't pray for a perfect child. 
Yet somehow, we got the perfect child. For us.

{PHFR} ~ October 4, 2012

{ Pretty }

This is our sweet kitty, Han (as in...Han Solo of course). I just loved the way that his stripes looked as I walked past the dining room. On this, the feast of St. Francis of Assisi, I wanted to show how lucky we are to have this stray as part of our family. 

{ Happy }

On a recent sun-filled day, Max and I spent almost the entire time outside. Not only did the sunshine make me happy, but oh, this child who wanted to "dwaw" and "wawa pants" just made my heart sing. 

{ Funny }

As we celebrated my nephew Charlie's Baptism, I couldn't help but capture this picture of his brother, Peter. Before we headed out to the cathedral, there were tornado warnings and it POURED. Luckily, we all made it safely, but with boots on, of course! 

{ Real }

 There is nothing more real to me than the Sacraments of Initiation. These pictures of Charlie's Baptism invoke in me the powerful love of God and human connectedness. My cousin Jason was recently ordained a deacon and was able to celebrate this Sacrament... What a gift. And although these pictures don't show my sister Katie, Charlie's mama, I loved the connection between my cousin Julie, Charlie's godmother, and Charlie.... 

Sharing today with Like Mother, Like Daughter

Catholic Woman's Almanac ~ 7/16/12

Moments of Gratitude

~ sharing the day with Whitney 

~ daydreaming with Tom 

~ watching Max and Joe build memories and hearing the laughter as they play

~ memories that flood back in

Beauty in the Ordinary

Blonde in the sun

From the kitchen

Cucumber salad, fresh-brewed iced tea, coconut-milk popsicles. Lately it just feels too hot to cook.

Praying

For our troops and for their continued safety... 

For my sis and for her newest baby, Charlie...

Pondering

My littlest is turning 2 on Saturday and it still comes as a surprise that he is getting older. With his wildly independent streak, I am savoring the moments when he crawls into my lap and snuggles in or brings me a book to read. Grateful, too, for the moments when Joe (at the ripe old age of 10) wants to curl up and read. May this never really end...

Reading

The Book of the Dead ... a fun summertime read

The Incredible Journey ... with Joe
Once Upon a Potty ... with Max. Over and over. And EXCITEDLY!!!!

Pinned

For the birds  boys... ;) .. fun things to make for birds. By the boys.

Storybook wisdom ... What Harry can teach Joe

For when I'm fearful ... a good quote

Looking ahead

Is it wrong that I don't really want to look ahead? This week I am truly enjoying the slower pace of summertime and laziness and just being with my boys as much as possible. Tonight we are having dinner with some wonderful friends and are going to make some plans for when we are in Florida at the same time. Yes. The land of Mickey. (Looking ahead to this trip still makes me a little dizzy. Next week.)

Captured

Brothers

Sharing again today at Suscipio

Garden Journal

“Designing the garden is like learning to speak. You begin with odd words – learning the individual plants. Then you create a simple phrase, finding two or three plants that look well together, next comes a sentence and finally the complete story.”

~ BETH CHATTO

Sage and Lavender

It really is humbling, this gardening love. In the springtime, I see such hope and am awed by the newest of growth. Flowers are bursting with color...and the smell? Heaven. 

But then, as these dog days of summer come, there comes a feeling of desperation. 

Are the tomatoes growing?

What IS that bug?

Oh. I guess that the cucumbers have given up?

Every walk in the garden is punctuated by successes. And failures, too. To be quite honest, I live in a wonderful area surrounded by ancient oak and dogwood trees. My two garden boxes are placed in a spot that gets sun, but later in the day. As I look at the plants, it is plain to see the STRETCHING that they are doing. Feeling a little guilty, actually, as I haven't given them the proper place to grow....

See the spindliness?

And then, most unwelcome, that thought extends to my sweet boys. 

Are they growing well?

Have I given them the love and joy and sunshine that they need? 

As I breathe a prayer, I am gently reminded that this life is a journey, and a process. We walk toward grace in faith and love and hope and while the process may be messy and tragic and full of weeds, the fruit that comes is indeed blessed and we are grateful indeed.

Can you see the zucchini? 

Lovely, hope-filled zucchini flowers

Okra

My garden and my life may have its share of weeds and bugs and drought. But looking closely? I wouldn't trade it for the largest or most lush garden in the world. No. My journey with my husband and my boys is worth so much more. 

As we color our world with our dreams and plant seeds of hope and faith, we bask in the light of our faith, and enjoy the flowers that happen to come our way.

Hydrangea

Sharing with Ginny today, at her beautiful place....

Valentine's arrows

I adore my little family. My boys. The creatures that really are just....different than girls. Beautifully different. I recognize that they bring a sense of the silly and help me to see the world in a brand new way (with or without sunglasses).

As my oldest, Joe, has bravely faced a new school year, we have certainly had our blissful ups and devastating downs. My headstrong, bright boy continues to struggle with friendships and understanding the world....("No mom. Seriously. We can eventually find warp speed and then go visit the saints.")

So I thought nothing of it when I asked Allison at Totus Tuus Family blog to give us the name of a saint to walk with us through the year. We love the saints and talk to them and about them. (You would think that St. Anthony lived in the bedroom down the hall for all of the times that we walk around muttering for him to help us find things..... And that St. John Bosco is a new favorite, one of Joe's companions on the journey.)


Allison gave us the name of Blessed Leonie Martin, the sister of St. Therese. Oh St. Therese. The "little flower" who I so want to imitate and have as my companion. I didn't know much about Leonie, however......


And then I read this...

Blessed Leonie Martin

(Celebrated June 16th)

"Your little Leonie may be changed, not only in name, but in everything which might be displeasing to Him whom

alone she wishes to love." "It is inappropriate for me to moan over my faults as I have done until now. That is pride.

As our Holy Founder said, it is no wonder that weakness is weak; I must humble myself, not vex myself.

Pray for children who are not understood

Have you ever stared at your computer and felt the hair rise on the back of your neck? That brush with the Holy Spirit can be downright electrifying..... 


So on this Valentine's Day, the day usually filled with candy and other sweet things.... And a day that precedes Ash Wednesday by only 8 days this year.... I ask you to remember this:


Remember the arrow that comes from Cupid? Well. It has to pierce....to wound....in order to create that love. 


Remember that love isn't only sweet. It is brutal. It is hard-fought before it is won. It can make you fall to your knees with its power.


Remember that the love of Jesus is like this. Piercing thorns, nails of sins, and a broken, wounded heart....


But, ah... he did rise and brought redemption. (And trueness of love found in Him is worth that wounding....isn't it?!)


SO for me.... this struggle of understanding my child only brings me closer to that cross. To the side of Mary who grieved for her son. And yes, into the arms of my husband who never, ever gives up on me and our children. Whose love makes the journey bearable.


God Bless you on this Valentine's Day. Look to the ones you love in a new way and recognize the GIFT that it is... And as Tom Hanks says in "A League of Their Own".... "The hard is what makes it great."  


Joining in here today:

Gifts {PHFR}

{ pretty }

Joe and I planted these beauties right around Thanksgiving and loved watching the progress. To go from ugly brown bulbs to fragrant living flowers? Loveliness. While they did open on Christmas Day, they toppled over and broke from the weight. SO. They now sit on my windowsill and the butterfly fairy keeps watch.

{ happy }

Oh how I loved visiting with my family over the holidays! So many moments like this one, with Max and Pop Pop watching silly Elmo songs.... It makes me continue to thank God for my family and for the blessed time that I have with them.

{ funny } 

"The Millennium FALCON! I've always wanted this!" Thanks to Aunt Julie and Uncle Geoff, I was able to snap this little gem. Star Wars and Lego's are the current favorites, so this gift? This was the perfect combo.

{ real }

SO. I love the jarred candles that portray Jesus, Mary, and the Saints. I do. However, I have never bought this particular one. (Maybe it's because the visual always scared me as a child, I don't know.) My darling niece, Lucy, had other plans, though. This was her gift to me this Christmas. I love the story about how she chose it best of all. She told her mommy (my sister Rachel) "This one's for Auntie Em." Rachel, who knows me so well, said, "Well, how about this one of Mary?" Lucy looked right at her and said, "No. She NEEDS this one." Then Rachel turned it over and saw the prayer and part of it read, "Come to Me all you that labour and are burdened and I will refresh you." Well then. When I received it, I hugged that sweet soul so tightly and whispered a thank you. And I have been turning to Him more.... (It should also be noted that Lucy chose a candle for "help for the injured" for my Aunt Joany who broke her leg right before Christmas. And no, she didn't read the back. She was led to it. By the Spirit.) Thanks be to God.

Gratefully sharing here today:

And here:

To Max ... on his first birthday

 One year ago today (about 9 hours from now), my darling second child, Maximilian Thomas, entered this world. What a blessing he has been, what a blessing he is. Named for Saint Maximilian Kolbe (who gave his life for another) and also for his daddy, he already has a strong spirit and a heart full of love. (I suppose all babies do, but this one....well....there is just a radiance about him sometimes.....

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Dearest Max,
     Oh sweet boy. How quickly you have captured this mama's heart. When you entered the world with arms and eyes open wide, on that hot July 21st, I will never forget the deep intake of breath from your daddy, and his whispered, "He's here. He's beautiful. What a gift." How right he was....   
     From the moment I knew about you (that wonderful day after Thanksgiving) you were that breath of new life that to this day never fails to take my breath away. Your daddy is head over heels for you. His favorite thing to see is your arms outstretched and the smile that is just for him. (Oh I know, I have a special smile, too.) You were given to us. Straight from the heart of God. 
Gift. 
Joy.
Our own version of The Princess Bride's Miracle Max.  ;)
     When you were so tiny, and became so sick in those first 2 weeks, I thought my heart would break. As you nestled against me, weak because of the pyloric stenosis, I wanted time to stop so that I could just hold you and rock you always. How glad I was when you were out of surgery. Out of danger. And back in my arms. (I have to tell you that I do love that you still like to listen to the "mama's heartbeat" bear. We would take naps together all curled up. I miss that....) But we have so much life ahead. So many things to discover....
     And how excited I am to continue to experience this world with you and your big brother. (For Joe is in love with you as well, you know. He has to cover his ears when you have one of your full-voice yells talks, but you are the first thing that he prays for. You are who he talks about. You. I think that you help him to relax a little and enjoy the silliness of life!) To see the two of you laughing and rolling on the floor is one of the most precious sights. I see you try to imitate him, and then he does something even sillier ...
     As your daddy and I attempt to navigate this little family in the middle of this sometimes-rocky sea of life, may you know that we are continually pointing you towards our God.
Our help.
Our rock.
      And as you grow, may you grow in love and in faith. Recognizing that we are here. For you. For forever.
      I adore you, my darling boy. Thank you for filling our hearts and our home with your presence. Your love. Your life.

Love always,
~Mama  xoxoxo

    
    

Count Your Blessings ~ Review and Giveaway!

     
     The words came softly whispered through the phone. He was taking a quiet moment out of his busy day to call me and let me know what was in his heart.

“Honey. I am so proud of you for taking such wonderful care of our boys. I just don’t think that you know how very much I love that. How much I love you.”

     And there. There in those few short sentences, my heart was filled. How did he know that I needed to be encouraged?
    
     Sometimes, to be quite honest, I do ask him, that dear husband of mine. I ask if what I am doing is enough. For the boys. For him. For God. Oh how I hope! Because sometimes it all just feels so overwhelmingly tiring. The how-in-the-world-can-I-do-this kind of tired. Where cocooning under the sheets is blissfully tempting and you have to physically drag your body out of bed. So it is so perfectly life giving, life sustaining when someone we love can lift us up with just a few words.

     As Mother Teresa so wisely said, To keep a lamp burning we have to keep putting oil in it.
We are asked to give of ourselves…

            To share what we have…..

                        To do unto others…YES….

     But we need encouraging too. Listen to those beautiful words from Isaiah 43… “I have called you by your name, you are mine”. Oh how we are loved. We are cherished. We are counted. We are blessed
    

     Not long after I received such encouraging words from my husband, I received this frame from Dayspring. Count your blessings. Where do I even begin? One of the first pictures that I chose to put into it was the one of Tom and me at our wedding. For I thank God for him every day and I count him as one of my truest blessings. However, as I continued to think about counting my blessings, I naturally wanted to put in a picture of our two miracles. Our two boys. Our blessings.
But no….

     For also in the mail that day was another special package. A reminder of what this life is all about. Counting our blessings yes, bu also... Encouraging others. Here is the blessing who now adorns this frame:

     This darling child is Maria, our adopted child through CFCA (Christian Foundation for Children and Aging.) We are lucky enough to receive letters in which she tells us how our small donation each month has helped her and her family.

She can attend school now.

She and her family do not go hungry.

She thanks us and tells us how she is praying for us.

     So this lovely frame now sits proudly on our prayer table, nestled up to the basket of books about the saints, prayer cards, and of course...The Word. We thank God for our dear Maria, and we pray for her every day.

     Among our many blessings, we are lucky enough to count her as one. By her life, we are encouraged.

     Whom do you count among your blessings?

************

This month DaySpring is celebrating encouragement. If you’d like to make use of the special deals they are running to celebrate the gift of encouragement, please take a look at the items featured on their {in}spired deals page.

And, to enable your desire to encourage, DaySpring would like to give one of you a $20 credit towards any item in the DaySpring store!!!

Giveaway details:

1. This giveaway is open to all. No need to have a blog to enter, just some way I can get in contact should random.org select your name.

2. Please leave your name and a little bit about who encourages you in the comments section of this blog post.

3. After perusing the DaySpring store, come back here to tell me what you would apply your $20 towards for a second chance to win. (**Please note that the $20 cannot be used towards shipping costs.)

3. Additional entries for facebooking, and posting. Please leave an additional comment indicating where you shared.

4. One winner will be selected using random.org and announced Thursday, June 30th.

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received Count Your Blessings ~ 4x6 photo frame from DaySpring to review for {in}courage. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising