Good Grief

“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing.

~ C.S. Lewis, "A Grief Observed"

How do you ever completely capture the feeling, the reality, the rawness of loss? 

What is the appropriate way to grieve the loss of someone whom you have never even met, but love beyond all understanding? 

Is this what faith is? This intangible presence of something unseen, and yet seen in the lives of those we love? 

I can honestly tell you that I am wrestling with all of this, especially this Lent, as I grieve the loss of our 4th child. The loss of the dream of raising and nurturing and loving another child due to miscarriage... 

And that word...miscarriage? It literally sends a shiver down my spine. What a distasteful, misleading word that does nothing to convey the deep sense of loss of a human being. The loss of a loved-beyond-all-measure child of God. It says nothing of the connectedness and then rift between mother, father, and child, and then the grief that overwhelms. If you think about it, as a culture, we squash it down, hide it away, don't talk about it. It makes people uncomfortable. But I believe that the logic is clear: There was a heartbeat. There was a life. Therefore, there was a death. The rhetoric commonly used is misleading, too: Loss of a pregnancy or fetal tissue.....

Well. I lost a child. No...wait....

Four. Of. Them.

Just because I was unable to hold them in my arms does not make them any less real or human or alive. No. (And telling us that we are lucky and to just be happy that we have two children? Yeah. That, too, makes our pain seem petty or unreal.) My heart is breaking wide open and this child-sized hole? It pretty much makes me feel like I'm drowning....

Ah. But then that visible presence of the invisible God comes fluttering in on soft wings like the kiss of the Holy Spirit. It comes in the form of human beings who grace my life with their heart, their love, and their care. It came from my sisters who truly grieve the loss of another cousin for their children to love. It came from my friend Colleen, who reminded me that it is alright to grieve the loss of the dream of what could be, not just of what was....

And it came from my beautiful cousin, Julie, who knew that I was suffering the loss of this baby with a such a heavy heart....gifted me with beautiful words of encouragement and faith... and this:

This beautiful handmade rosary from Heartfelt Rosaries, along with the Chaplet of Hannah's Tears. What a tangible way to allow grief to be expressed...through the comforting ritual of caressing rosary beads and saying the beloved prayers that have allayed my fears since childhood. Sometimes saying a prayer over and over and over again when you feel as if  you cannot move forward can begin to unwind the knots in your heart. 

And you know who else has helped me on this journey? My sensitive 11-year old, Joe. As he prayed with me, he said, "Well Mommy. Just know that I love you. And so does Max. And I know that daddy does. And now you have 4 more who love you. They are just not here."  So that's it. They are just not here. Just like my loved ones that I have physically known, who are now with the rest of the Communion of Saints. Ah. Thanks, Joe. As much as I wanted to scream and yell and say, "But I WANT them here....", you helped me to see God. One day, you will know how very much you have helped your mama survive this life...

And so as I sit at the foot of the cross this Holy Week, with my beloved, suffering Tom by my side, you can believe that my heart and soul will be crying out for mercy, for understanding, for peace. Wrapping my hands around my rosary as I reach for the presence of my God, I will sit with Mary and grieve with her....Searching and trusting and believing that this journey is a blessing. Because of the Cross.

And grief is good. 

{CWA} ~ October 15, 2012

Moments of Gratitude
~ sticky lollipop hands offering me the last little bit
~ teaching Joe the finer points of scoring in football...(he doesn't care, but know that daddy and I do...so he listened and is taking it in)
~ sweet helpers at the grocery store who make my child laugh at just the right moment
~ prayers whispered and sung

From the Kitchen and Pondering about Beauty in the Ordinary
....there is this Chicken coconut curry in the crock pot and simmering on the stove is this Lamb stock (thanks to the bones from our CSA).  Later in the week, we may have a fritatta. 

As I talked with my friend Colleen this morning, I mentioned that clearly, my mind and heart are wrestling with some very loud fears. I know this, because my sink and counter tops and stove are working at full capacity. When I am overwhelmed, I cook. There is healing and grace that comes from chopping and slicing and boiling....  Motherhood, this beautifully raw vocation that I have chosen and desired astounds me with the force of it. How it can wrap my heart in a love indescribable and yet bring me to my knees with the pain of it.... And so as I attempt to make sense of it all....I cook. 

And as I do, there is a prayer card tucked against the windowsill behind a rock that Joe gave to me years ago from a walk in the woods. This is the image I see:

And this is the prayer:

O Mary, Mother of the Unborn, protect the gift of human life which your Divine Son has allowed to be given.

Give strength and joy to all parents as the await the birth of the precious child they have conceived.

Give courage to those who are fearful, calm those who are anxious and guide all of us, with your motherly care, to treasure and protect the miraculous gift of human life.

We ask this through your Son, Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen. Mary Mother of the Unborn, Pray for Us.

Praying

...for continued grace to just allow life to flow as it should as I watch my children become who they were meant to be...no matter how long it takes, or how hard the struggle. To just enjoy the journey. I am not called to measure myself or my children against anyone else. (But how do I tell that to my heart?)

...for our country...that we come to recognize that all life is Sacred... (how have we come to believe that children are expendable? or that we can just choose to not allow them to live? I just don't understand. We can do so much better.)

Reading

Magnificat
Abraham, A Journey to the Heart of Three Faiths
Secrets of Eden by Chris Bohjalian ... for some reason, this author has completely captured me lately. This is the 5th book of his that I am just devouring....

Captured

I have to share this picture from 2 weeks ago when we went to the blessing of the animals. Our wonderful Deacon Eric, Joe praying and holding tight to our dog, Cleo. And then there's Maximilian, checking in on our kitties, Han, and Sasha. (His comment, "Day get wawa too?" just melted all of us.)

Sharing with the beautiful women of Suscipio

Gratitude for Life ~ {Day 7}... #486-504

Life is beautiful. Truly. How lucky we are to recognize the incredible beauty around us, and to experience all that this life has to offer....


But.


I have a confession to make. I really do not know what I am doing when it comes to blogging and seem to make more mistakes than anything else. At times I am frustrated because that tiny perfectionisitic part of me is just sad that things don't look like they should, or the words do not flow quite as freely. Stumbling around seems to be the status quo for me lately. (In the blogging world as well as the real world.)


And yet. 


As the tears flowed as I read Misty's post this morning, I was once again reminded of why I am doing this. (It seems that I owe a lot to her. Several times, she has lifted my heart. Thank you, my friend.)


I do know that there are things that I want to say. There are words and phrases on my heart that are bursting to be let out. 


So despite the sometimes not-so-pretty blog posts, I recognize that I do have a story... and I am grateful for this life.


And more than anything else, I recognize the precious gift of life itself. I hope to never take it for granted, for I know that because I am alive, I can experience all of the silliness and yes, even the heartaches. I pray that our country will come to recognize the beautiful uniqueness that we humans are....beginning at conception....


Counting today with the gratitude community at Ann's...I am grateful for:


baby hugs from Max
singing "Wicked" songs with Joe at the top of our lungs
car rides filled with laughter
violins at Mass
sister time peppered with fabulous food 
Thai iced tea
laughing at Bobby
cousin love shown by Lance and Joe
long walks with my sister and children and nephews
cool breezes 
crunchy leaves underfoot
watching an earthworm bury underground
boys on swings
Cleo greeting us after a weekend away
neighbors who love our dog
the knowledge that human life is the most precious gift
crackling fires
Tom...who loves me anyway

Also sharing with the entire 31 days community

A video of Life.... {Day 6}

I often think about how it must have been "back in the day" when our mothers and grandmothers experienced their pregnancies without the help of ultrasounds. There is no doubt that they connected and bonded with their babies, and yet, I recognize how lucky we are to live in a time of technology that has allowed us to "see" into the womb and visually connect with the little one growing inside. 


There is a wonderful ministry out there called "Truth Booth", and you can find out more about it HERE. The following is information from their website:

WHAT IS A TRUTH BOOTH?

A "Truth Booth" is an unmanned display showing 3D and 4D ultrasound images of the child in the womb. It provides information about pre-natal development and pregnancy in a visual form for people to process without cumbersome words or confrontation.

The "Truth Booth" is factual, scientific, creative, gentle and informative in its content presentation, allowing all age groups to comprehend our early development with clarity. It is simply pictures of the developing child, not a provocation for controversy.

The display unit is ideal for local shopping malls, schools or other public or private arenas.

Their mission is one of peace. Of hope. Of Life. And it is done in a gentle way that is also quietly strong. It clearly shows that yes, in the womb .... HERE. IS. LIFE. 

View the beautiful images of developing life...Here....  (And be sure to watch until the end. See the baby smile at week 34. Just lovely.)

Joining in with the 31 days community

5 Sites for Life ~ {Day 5}

One of the great things about the internet is that you can find all kinds of wonderful sites for life. Here are some of my favorites:


1 ~  Priests for Life
This site offers a wealth of information and support, and is actually a family of ministries, including prayer campaigns, Hispanic and African American support ministries. Here is how they describe themselves:


On one level, as described below, Priests for Life refers to a very specific effort to galvanize the clergy to preach, teach, and mobilize their people more effectively in the effort to end abortion and euthanasia.

On another level, Priests for Life represents a family of ministries that reach and enrich every aspect of the pro-life movement, for clergy and laity alike, in a wide variety of activities. This has come to pass precisely because priests are not ordained for themselves, but for the people.So in activating clergy, we are activating all the segments of the Church, the pro-life movement, and the wider society in the defense of life. 

We refer to this wider family of ministries as Gospel of Life Ministries, to indicate that what unites them all is the Gospel of Life, the good news that life is victorious over death!

So whether you are clergy or laity, young or old, active or inactive, and whatever your religious or ethnic background, you're in the right place if you want to do something to restore protection to the most vulnerable members of the human family!

2 ~  National Right to Life
This is an extensive website with a lot of information about legislation issues (past and current) and offers many links to other organizations.

3 ~ Heartbeat International

Worldwide services for pregnancy centers, adoption options.....

We call our work “cross-bearing for the child-bearing.” This honestly and accurately reflects the genuine and generous sacrifice it takes to rescue real women and couples from the violence of abortion. Our affiliated pregnancy help staff and volunteers lay their lives down daily to provide life-saving help in a truly life-changing way. We are eager to bear this cross with them.

4 ~ Teens for Life

Oh how I love to see teenagers for life! This website is fresh and informative... A great place for teens and their parents to go TOGETHER to make a stand for life. A place for poetry, activism. A place for teens to find their voices. All rising for life. Beautiful.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And finally, what about the women and men who are suffering from the choice that they made to have an abortion? Here is a place that offers healing and reconciliation:

5 ~ Rachel's Vineyard Ministries

Joining in with the 31 days community

Life ~ {Day 3}

Pausing today to really pray for life.

 All life.

From conception to natural death.

All life is precious.

All life is gift.

 I ask you to keep this thought on your heart today:

“All who are genuinely committed to the advancement of women can and must offer a woman or a girl who is pregnant, frightened, and alone a better alternative than the destruction of her own unborn child” ~ Mary Ann Glendon, Fourth World Conference on Women, Beijing, September 5, 1995

Joining in with the 31 days community

Life at 5 weeks ~ {Day 2}

Because I love learning about growth, whether it be in the classroom or in my own home, I am fascinated about how babies develop. I am fascinated even when I am unable to see the development in front of my eyes. I still wonder how it is that we are at the point of aborting 50 million human beings? Legally. And yes. They are human beings. 


One of the most interesting deceptions about abortion is that somehow the mass public has been led to believe that just "tissue" is being taken away. Think for a moment about these milestones:

• Day 1 - conception takes place.
• 7 days - tiny human implants in mother’s uterus.
• 10 days - mother’s menses stop.
• 18 days - heart begins to beat.
• 21 days - pumps own blood through separate closed circulatory system with own blood type.
• 28 days - eye, ear and respiratory system begin to form.

The fact that there is a unique blood type is absolutely amazing, isn't it? When a woman carries a child in her womb, there is a separate and unique human being. Science cannot dispute that. Call it by its scientific names....embryo....fetus.... But regardless, it is a human being. (Think of this. When we are so quick to save the whales, because of the loss of a baby whale (and do we question that it is a baby whale?), how come we are not clamoring to save the life of one baby human? And why is it that we question if it is human or not?)

As you go about your day, I ask that you say a prayer to the Author of Life to help us change minds and hearts:

Prayer to the Author of Life 

Father of us all, Author of all life, I thank you for my life and the appreciation of it. Please help me to always respect the lives of all your children, from conception to natural death. Let your Spirit enlighten the minds and open the hearts of those who do not fully respect all human life according to your will. Where there is remorse, grant peace to all women and everyone affected by past abortions. Lighten the burdens of all women with problem pregnancies. Bring adoption of a Human Life Amendment soon. Thank you, Father. Amen

Joining in with the 31 days community

31 Days ~ For Life {Day 1}

"The promotion of the culture of life should be the highest priority in our 

societies...If the right to life is not defended decisively as a condition for all other rights of the person, all other references to human rights remain deceitful and illusory." 

Pope John Paul II

I believe that most people I know would say that I am a passionate person. I love my family and friends and my faith with an intensity that can overwhelm people and probably puts them off a bit. If your aren't careful, I may give you an unwanted hug or squeal a little too loud when I am excited for you. 


This passion, however, comes at a price. My heart is forever on my sleeve and I get deeply hurt and very troubled about many things. 


But honestly, the one thing that has always gripped my heart and soul with passion .... is the plight of the unborn children of the world.

Even our wonderful nation, the one that I call home, and the one that claims to be one of the most developed nations of the world is failing. Failing to recognize that it is the place of one of the world's worst holocausts.... We have allowed an entire generation to become non-existent because of two Supreme Court cases that should never have been upheld. (And the woman who brought it about? Jane Roe? Well. She regrets her decision. Painfully so. )


Over the next month, as I join in with a blog-link party, I am going to blog about this cause that I feel so passionately about. 


Let me be clear, because I recognize the passion on both sides of this issue, and have been caught up in some painful, heated discussions, I want people to feel safe about talking about this:


We should never condemn a woman for her choice ~ this is not our role.
We should never allow anger to enter in our discussion ~ that is fruitless.
We should never forget that healing and reconciliation are possible ~ our God is bigger than our failings.


SO.


We should continue to pray for those women contemplating abortion, and for their babies.
We should continue to pray for all of those women who chose abortion and for their children.
We should continue to ask for guidance on how to live in a world where it is legal to end a human life.... 
We should contine to bring awareness to this tragedy that is hurting women. And men. And children. 


With all that we know, with all the advances that we have made, how can we remain silent about this?! We need to raise our voices for the ones who have no voice.


Won't you join with me in praying about this, and possibly thinking of ways to fight this? 


Here is the link to The Entire 31 Days Community, a party that I am a little late attending, but attending nonetheless.  It is where you can blog about something that you are passionate about. Be sure to check out the many others who are putting words to their passions. 


(A big Hat Tip to my blogger friend, Misty, who is just a little more with it than I am... as I am following up on her suggestion to blog for 31 days. Please be sure to check out her blog as well!)