Small Steps Together: Gentleness...

    
     When some people blog, I read their words like I am thirsty. I drink them in, allowing the words to work on my world-weary heart and soul, and wait for the parched land of my spirit to be renewed. I know what I am feeling, I just appreciate it when some else is able to beautifully explain it in prose.

     Last week, as I read Elizabeth Foss and her post about gentleness, I felt as if she was speaking directly to me. For you see, I have found lately that I am not as gentle with my husband. With my children. With myself. I recognize that some of it has to do with just the wildness of the world. The busyness of life. The ever-complicated dance of balance....

     When I look at my husband, I mean REALLY look, I see a gentle, generous soul who made me fall so quickly in love. He truly believes in the goodness of everyone, and as we journey together on this path of life, I recognize what he has had to deal with. How hard must it have been for him when we were having trouble conceiving? Years of infertility that in time, changed my personality. Together, we endured thoughtless words of well-meaning people.... things such as:

So don't you WANT children?
Didn't you agree to have children in your vows?
You aren't being a good Catholic.
Why are your babies so far apart?
Don't you think that it is a little selfish?

    Even today, I can still hear the words and a little piece of my heart is still being mended. I feel my temper rise, just like it did then. Usually I would feel the need to defend ourselves, other times, the tears would come uncontrollably hot and fast. Sometimes, I didn't recognize myself when I would just scream into the void my anger. My frustration. My misplaced guilt. And yet, my Tom would simply enfold me in his arms, whisper words of love and understanding. Allow me to scream and wail. And his gentleness was more powerful than anything.  I often tell his that what I love about him is his gentle strength. Oh how I pray that I can repay that gentleness....

     And what about Joe and Max? Well, truthfully, the baby is easy. His laugh and grin help me to slow down and see the beauty of life so clearly.

     Ah... and then... there's my Joe. I suppose that when I think that he should know something, or do something that we have told him thousands of time before, I do get a little hot-tempered and the frustrated sighs and words happen faster. But really? He is still a child. My child. The one that came when all hope seemed lost. So why can I not take a deep breath, say a prayer for knowledge, and gently help him through it? For isn't this is my job? To nurture and guide and teach? Well, this gentleness is my goal. Truly. Especially since our whole lifestyle is changing and he is going to be home with me....

     So as I reached the end of Elizabeth's post and these powerful words of hers.... this is what struck my heart:

Whether we are growing closer to God or growing closer to people, it's not about checklists. It's about relationships.
Relationships beg coming alongside, walking together.
School is finished. Now begins the real work of cultivating a teachable spirit.
It's about listening.
It's about serving.
It's about nurturing. 
It's about loving.
It's about a gentle spirit.
All the time.

      As I pray for gentleness, I also thank God for the ability to learn from my mistakes. For the grace to continue on despite things that I may have done before. This struggle, this .... life ..... is about so much more than getting. It is about giving.

     How grateful I am to the three special people in my household who make me so glad to be alive, and who love me beyond measure despite my brokenness. And oh how I hope to give them gentleness in return.....

    Today, I am gratefully linking here:

Small steps ~ The courage to do something different...

     When I began this blog, I did so rather tentatively, and I didn't even have the courage to tell you the real reason WHY I started it. (Deep Breath.) A lot of what I have written about is what is close to my heart...my faith, and my family. Because they are so intimately connected, it is often hard to separate the two, or to even put into eloquent words exactly what is on my heart and mind. So now, thanks to Elizabeth's gentle prompting about courage this month, I feel that it is time to finally come clean....
    
      Joe, my oldest, has had a very difficult third grade year...and after much deliberation, heartache, tears...I believe that as a family, we have come to the decision to home school next year. Now for some, that may not be a big deal, or even anything to think twice about. But for me, a teacher by trade who comes from a long line of educators, this is just epic. For goodness sake, I went to public school, my dad was my principal in middle school, and I have taught in both public and private institutions.  I recognize the shortfalls and wonders of every place of education, and truly honor all of the wonderful educators that have crossed my path.

    
      However, I am the parent of a child that is having a very difficult time navigating the current system. Joe is that kid who is extremely sensitive to lights and to sounds, and being in a classroom with 29 (!) children, even one that is efficiently run, is just not where he is excelling. When he asks me if he can stay home for the day, my heart aches, for I know that I am sending him to a place that is making him anxious. He is so endearing, however, and his teacher adores him, and is helping him through it all, within reason.... We work closely together to ensure that he is not getting mixed messages. I have always been the parent that pushes him to work through whatever feelings, problems, or trials come his way. This time, however, I feel that we have reached a crossroads, and something else needs to happen. My child needs to be nourished spiritually, not just academically.... (But then my own demons start to talk...Who am I to teach my child? Why not just send him to a school with smaller class sizes? What makes me think that I could possibly do this? Am I crazy?) Then I came across this little gem:
             

Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength. ~ August Wilson

     Wait a minute? Who am I NOT to teach my child? Regardless of the fact that I am a certified teacher, I also know what is in his heart, and know what he needs in a learning environment. I am blessed to be able to be at home with his little brother, so why not also guide and encourage my sweet, sensitive, intelligent child? Why not allow him to grow in faith, while also teaching his little brother? This is what I enjoy about being a mother....watching moments like this that happen naturally:

 

     I am sure that there are those friends and family members who are cringing as they read this. (There goes that crazy girl yet again, making a decision without thinking it through.) On the contrary, it is one of the most talked about, prayed about decisions that Tom and I have ever made. Every year, in fact, we have discussed Joe's educational track, and feel that for the most part, we have made the best decision at that time. Now, however, homeschooling is indeed what is calling us. To allow Joe to become, once again, the confident, peaceful child that he once was.

    
     I know that the big question has been (and will be) about socialization. SIGH. Well, to be quite honest, it's the social piece that is causing him the heartache. Believe me, if it was academics, we would have had an IEP in progress, and I would have been on the school about accommodations... I know my limitations with teaching, and look to professionals for certain things. But this is about my child's heart. His sense of self. His soul.

    
     As we go through this next year, and as I look forward to exploring classic literature, and taking in depth nature walks, it is my hope that I can share with you (if I have the courage) our successes and trials. I have a hard time believing in myself and my abilities, and I suppose that that is why I ask people a thousand questions. I am in awe of those wonderful women who have already had the courage to home school. Women who don't even realize their strengths...

   My latest prayer regarding courage has been, and will continue to be this:

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
 ~ Isaiah 41:10
    
      This next year holds many promises, many challenges, many gifts. Please come along with me as I attempt to sow the seeds of faith, love, and character, and help my child to recognize the great gift of his life. If I only have the courage....  So thank you, Elizabeth, for helping me to take a step forward....

 Come along and see what others have to say about courage...here...

Small Steps ~ On Courage...

     As I ponder Elizabeth's post about courage, I need to be honest with you and tell you of the fear gripping my heart, body, and soul at the moment. Currently 6 1/2 weeks pregnant, I am completely overjoyed, but so completely nervous. I am worried because I am having symptoms that I have never had before....and this leads to worrying about losing this baby, like I have done once before. In 16 years of being "open to life", we have two beautiful children, and one waiting with God.... And so I worry.... Believe me, I am certainly not proud of it, and know that nothing comes from worrying (except loss of time with the ones that I call most dear).

     One of our favorite priests, at the Our Father, says, "...protect us from all NEEDLESS WORRY AND ANXIETY...". It has always struck a chord with me, because I believe that sometimes, it feels as though I run on fear. I often come to Tom and say, "OK. I need your help. Help me to settle, come pray with me....". (I don't think that he had any idea of the often-times complete and utter mess that he was marrying, but he has come through like a champion. My champion.) I KNOW that I need to let go.... And oh, does that take courage!

     So I have been taking it to prayer, like I do most things. Misty has a beautiful Litany of Humility that has helped me to center. To somehow give up that truly human way I have of praying for what I need, what I desire.... I spend a lot of time in prayer asking for forgiveness because I don't trust like I should....And yet...

     In my heart of hearts, I know that whatever may happen, Jesus is right there crying or rejoicing right along with me...if I only have the courage to allow him to walk with me. 

     Come along and join us in taking those small steps here:

Small Steps ~ Encourage One Another

     Courage. Whenever I think of this word, this action, I definitely do not see myself. In fact, I can think of many friends and family members who embody the very essence of courage. Because not only do they face adversities with grace, but they appear to do so head-on, and seemingly without fear. But who knows what they are REALLY feeling in their souls? Who knows the pain, the suffering, the inner struggles that they are going through?! Only our God REALLY knows us. The true us....
    
  St. Therese, the "Little Flower" has been on my heart lately, and I so love this quote:

Without love, deeds, even the most brilliant, count as nothing.

Story of a Soul, Chapter VIII

     If I am to go through my life just doing things, accomplishing tasks, then what is it all for if I do it without love? For what reason am I a wife, a mother, a friend, if I do not approach every interaction with love? And oh. How my humanness gets in the way. So often I am just tired. Emotionally. Physically. Mentally. I snap at my husband for trivial things that in the grand scheme of things just don't matter. Why do I not always have the courage to put myself aside and do what I can to help him? To help him with love? Why don't I always devote the time to nurture true friendships? Why is it so HARD to lovingly climb the stairs to help Joe clean his room?

Ah... But then... blessed grace steps in.  I recognize with startling vision that he is my child. The one who was gifted to me. He is in need,  and the way to show him love is to help him to do things lovingly. Even something as small, as mundane as cleaning a room...

    

 I know that I have a long way to go towards finding the courage that I seek. It has been my prayer this Lent to really be at peace. For I know that when my own heart is at peace, I am much more likely to find the courage I need to help those that I love most. I thank God that He is willing to always take me back lovingly. Forgiving me. Always seeking me out... Giving me the courage that I desire. And for that I am forever grateful.

     Please join in with Elizabeth and the others at Small Steps...

Small steps....

As I begin the season of Lent, I pray for the grace to just be. In this big, loud, crazy world of ours, I usually end my day with my ears ringing and my heart yearning for peace. As I pray, I have a hard time shutting out the noise and I can only imagine what my children are feeling and experiencing. I have to remind myself to slow down, listen with my whole heart, and breathe. How I usually take breathing for granted! When I am able to get quiet enough to hear the gentle rhythm of my baby's breathing, then I know that I am hearing the whisper and grace of my God.

I invite you to walk with me, Elizabeth, and others as we venture towards grace.

Small steps