Good Grief

“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing.

~ C.S. Lewis, "A Grief Observed"

How do you ever completely capture the feeling, the reality, the rawness of loss? 

What is the appropriate way to grieve the loss of someone whom you have never even met, but love beyond all understanding? 

Is this what faith is? This intangible presence of something unseen, and yet seen in the lives of those we love? 

I can honestly tell you that I am wrestling with all of this, especially this Lent, as I grieve the loss of our 4th child. The loss of the dream of raising and nurturing and loving another child due to miscarriage... 

And that word...miscarriage? It literally sends a shiver down my spine. What a distasteful, misleading word that does nothing to convey the deep sense of loss of a human being. The loss of a loved-beyond-all-measure child of God. It says nothing of the connectedness and then rift between mother, father, and child, and then the grief that overwhelms. If you think about it, as a culture, we squash it down, hide it away, don't talk about it. It makes people uncomfortable. But I believe that the logic is clear: There was a heartbeat. There was a life. Therefore, there was a death. The rhetoric commonly used is misleading, too: Loss of a pregnancy or fetal tissue.....

Well. I lost a child. No...wait....

Four. Of. Them.

Just because I was unable to hold them in my arms does not make them any less real or human or alive. No. (And telling us that we are lucky and to just be happy that we have two children? Yeah. That, too, makes our pain seem petty or unreal.) My heart is breaking wide open and this child-sized hole? It pretty much makes me feel like I'm drowning....

Ah. But then that visible presence of the invisible God comes fluttering in on soft wings like the kiss of the Holy Spirit. It comes in the form of human beings who grace my life with their heart, their love, and their care. It came from my sisters who truly grieve the loss of another cousin for their children to love. It came from my friend Colleen, who reminded me that it is alright to grieve the loss of the dream of what could be, not just of what was....

And it came from my beautiful cousin, Julie, who knew that I was suffering the loss of this baby with a such a heavy heart....gifted me with beautiful words of encouragement and faith... and this:

This beautiful handmade rosary from Heartfelt Rosaries, along with the Chaplet of Hannah's Tears. What a tangible way to allow grief to be expressed...through the comforting ritual of caressing rosary beads and saying the beloved prayers that have allayed my fears since childhood. Sometimes saying a prayer over and over and over again when you feel as if  you cannot move forward can begin to unwind the knots in your heart. 

And you know who else has helped me on this journey? My sensitive 11-year old, Joe. As he prayed with me, he said, "Well Mommy. Just know that I love you. And so does Max. And I know that daddy does. And now you have 4 more who love you. They are just not here."  So that's it. They are just not here. Just like my loved ones that I have physically known, who are now with the rest of the Communion of Saints. Ah. Thanks, Joe. As much as I wanted to scream and yell and say, "But I WANT them here....", you helped me to see God. One day, you will know how very much you have helped your mama survive this life...

And so as I sit at the foot of the cross this Holy Week, with my beloved, suffering Tom by my side, you can believe that my heart and soul will be crying out for mercy, for understanding, for peace. Wrapping my hands around my rosary as I reach for the presence of my God, I will sit with Mary and grieve with her....Searching and trusting and believing that this journey is a blessing. Because of the Cross.

And grief is good. 

One word ~ 2013

Hope means hoping when things are hopeless, or it is no virtue at all.
And faith means believing the incredible, or it is no virtue at all.

- G.K. Chesterton

Sometimes, God whispers.

And yes, sometimes, it is a shout that roars screaming right into my heart.... 

As we were getting ready this morning, with all of the ususal "where are my SHOES?" pleadings and fussy toddler morning-ness, I was whispering prayers of thanksgiving for the life that is mine.... 

And no, I don't always approach my life in that way, although I know that I should. I *KNOW* that. I do. It's simply that I get so darn unsure of it all. You know what I mean... these thoughts.... (Am I loving enough? Am I giving everyone the attention that they need? Am I living my vocation as mother as best as I can? Exactly how am I helping my husband to be the best father he can be? ) All of these whispers can drag my spirit right down into the pits. My friend Misty captured it beautifully when she quoted, "don't compare your beginning to someone else's middle" GULP. And that? THAT is where the stirrings of hope can start to rise up.... No matter where I am in the process.....

Yesterday, during a wonderful session of catechesis, we had to write down 1o ways that we believe that we live our lives. The things that drive us, motivate us. And although I knew exactly what those things were, I also mentioned that in looking at the list? Yes. I continuously fail miserably at living up to them. 

BUT.

Here's the beauty in that, as my friends Eileen and Mary Anne reminded me.... Every single day, every single moment, I can choose how I am going to feel about it. 

Every. Single. Moment.

When I hear those whisperings of not-good-enough? That little sprout of hope can be nurtured instead. 

Just like this morning during the chaos when Joe came racing back into the house with a full-face smile to show us the incredible rainbow that graced the sky overhead. I scooped up fussy Max and the four of us just stood in the driveway and stared and wondered and my heart just... filled.

So I will continue my sometimes whispered, sometimes shouted prayers to my God for continued strength. For insight. For Hope.

And so, as a new year starts, and as my family circles me with love, and as I stumble and pick myself up, I know that for this year? My word is HOPE....

For indeed....

The cross means there is no shipwreck without hope; there is no dark without dawn; nor storm without haven.

- Pope John Paul II

Sharing here today:

One Word 365

Yarn Along ~ heading into Advent

Right now, there is nothing on my needles, and I am joyfully waiting for some beautiful yarn that a friend bought for me from the Hudson Valley Sheep and Wool company. However, I did accomplish a rough and uneven  rustic mat for our prayer candle. 

Still learning, and I imagine that this is what it feels like when someone struggles to read? I look at patterns and feel rather helpless and confused and completely clumsy. But I keep at it...attempting, failing, trying. That constant circle of learning that is so often abolished because it can be so overwhelmingly difficult...

So as we journey into Advent, that "little Lent", this creation of mine, with its rough edges, uneven bumps, and raggedy sides can serve as that reminder of what it means to be human. What it means to keep hope alive, despite our rough edges....

I have to tell you that I never really gave much thought to Abraham (aside from the story of Isaac), and am truly enjoying this book about my faith, the faith of my ancestors, and the Muslim faith. Thought-provoking, and a very interesting read. As for my family, we will be using the "Tree of Hope" to make our Jesse tree to make our Advent celebration a beautiful connection with our journey to the manger.

As I slow down this holiday season, I want to remember what it is that I am celebrating, and what I want my children to remember. Not the hustle-bustle-crazy that is what the world seems to embrace, but rather the slow walk towards Bethlehem that the Magi took. (And enjoying all of the roughness, bumps, and raggedy-ness along the way.....)



Joining in with Ginny and others today.....
 

{CWA} ~ October 8, 2012

Moments of Gratitude

~ Joe's unbridled laughter while watching Victor Borge 
~ Tom bringing me a cup of coffee with just the right amount of sweetness
~ blessing of the animals at our parish
~ praying the living Rosary with Joe at school
~ hearing Joe teach Max the Hail Mary line by line... with patience
~ phone calls from sisters
~ e-mail from mom and dad while they are in Sicily

Beauty in the Ordinary

My climbing rose blooming at the top of the gutter.... ;)

From the kitchen

~ Butternut squash soup (without the heavy cream...it just doesn't need it, and neither does my figure)
~ Roasted pork loin (never got to it last week...)
~ Something warm and apple flavored....maybe this?

Reading

Pondering

"America you are beautiful . . . and blessed . . . . The ultimate test of your greatness is the way you treat every human being, but especially the weakest and most defenseless. If you want equal justice for all and true freedom and lasting peace, then America, defend life." ~ Pope John Paul II

Praying

~ Oh. Still lots of prayers happening here for our country.
~ Also, for an increase in civility with one another.... We need to be able to disagree without such anger and hatred. The internet, unfortunately, has often become a weapon of words....
~ For my sister Katie, as she celebrates her birthday tomorrow. Love you, sis. xoxo

Captured ~

My son, Joe, captured this picture of Mrs. Romney as I was holding a very wiggly Max..... Even though our little group didn't have a ticket, she came over to us to say hello. She was incredibly kind and gracious...

Gratefully sharing with the beautiful women at Suscipio today

{PHFR} ~ October 4, 2012

{ Pretty }

This is our sweet kitty, Han (as in...Han Solo of course). I just loved the way that his stripes looked as I walked past the dining room. On this, the feast of St. Francis of Assisi, I wanted to show how lucky we are to have this stray as part of our family. 

{ Happy }

On a recent sun-filled day, Max and I spent almost the entire time outside. Not only did the sunshine make me happy, but oh, this child who wanted to "dwaw" and "wawa pants" just made my heart sing. 

{ Funny }

As we celebrated my nephew Charlie's Baptism, I couldn't help but capture this picture of his brother, Peter. Before we headed out to the cathedral, there were tornado warnings and it POURED. Luckily, we all made it safely, but with boots on, of course! 

{ Real }

 There is nothing more real to me than the Sacraments of Initiation. These pictures of Charlie's Baptism invoke in me the powerful love of God and human connectedness. My cousin Jason was recently ordained a deacon and was able to celebrate this Sacrament... What a gift. And although these pictures don't show my sister Katie, Charlie's mama, I loved the connection between my cousin Julie, Charlie's godmother, and Charlie.... 

Sharing today with Like Mother, Like Daughter

Dreaming of the Sea..... a letter to Tom

"The sea does not reward those who are too anxious, too greedy, or too impatient. One should lie empty, open, choiceless as a beach--waiting for a gift from the sea."

- Anne Morrow Lindbergh

(See this? This is soul-stirring for this crazy wife of yours....)

Dearest one, 

     

  How I feel the need to ask for your forgiveness.... To let you know that I know that I have been a little bit crazy-yelly-monstrous  ...overwhelmed.... lately. Please, please understand that it is not because of you, or in spite of you, or because of things not done. No. Rather, it is this yearning-dreamer heart of mine that gets in the way of daily life. Getting stuck in the rhythm only, and not helping to increase the joy. My life is truly peopled with the most wonderful of human beings. 

     How selfish I feel that I so completely drank in the deliciousness of those 2 days away with you for our anniversary. (17! What?! Weren't you just coming to visit me at college last year?)  The time spent with you was a gift in itself because it again reaffirms who WE are matter. The US is so good. And to take me to the ocean? Perfect....... 

     I kept snapping pictures of these two chairs because, well, they reminded me of us. Windswept, weathered, together. Turning towards the sun and back again to the sea as the wind shifted. 

   So with the ocean in my mind and you on my heart, here is what I have done today..... With every pass of the vacuum, a prayer was whispered. With every toy and random item picked up, there was thanks given......With every sock placed in the washer, I prayed for whomever it belonged to....

~ For you, that you would have peace in your heart. 

~ For Joe, that he would be able to continue to love those who make fun of the quirky delight that he really is. 

~ For Max, that I would never, ever cease to delight in the wonder of his life.....)

     And so, as we continue to look to our God and to each other, I want to say that I do thank you for grounding me...

     Just know that the dreamer-wisher in me? Well. Even though I may talk about the roads I want to travel, or the places-by-the-sea where-I-could-live, what I truly desire is to have you alongside me for the ride for forever. Maybe I haven't told you enough, but dreaming of the sea does me no good if I cannot have you there....

With all of my heart, for forever,

~mj

p.s. Um. Here is the perfect example of life lived joyfully. As I type this, Max is on my lap with sticky peanut butter hands laughing at the picture above. "Daddy walking. Bye!!!" Pure joy here. Truly.

Catholic Woman's Almanac ~ October 1, 2012

Moments of Gratitude
~ time at the beach with my Tom to celebrate our 17th anniversary
~ time to meet with Misty over coffee and pastries...and meet "in real life" this beautiful friend 
~ time to play with Max and laugh at the funny things that he does and says
~ time to explore friendships, new and old....

Beauty in the Ordinary

From the Kitchen
Today.....
Chicken meatalls
Sweet potato fries
Creamed spinach

Later this week....
Potato-bacon chowder (with freshly dug potatoes from our CSA)
Rosemary/Basalmic-Pork tenderloin


Praying
~For this beautiful country of ours as we look to the election....and most especially for the respect for all life....
~For my parents and their fellow parish members on their pilgrimage to Sicily....
~For Colleen and her dad as they pilgrimage to Medjugorje
~ For Joe, as he continues to navigate the intricate maze of school, friendships, and just...life

Reading

Listening to

Dying Young Soundtrack
Sesame Street


Captured

My sweet brother-in-law, Eric, and his Godson, Charlie

Gratefully sharing at Suscipio today....

On being ten ~ a letter to Joe

The silence of Saint Joseph is given a special emphasis. His silence is steeped in contemplation of the mystery of God in an attitude of total availability to divine desires. It is a silence thanks to which Joseph, in unison with Mary, watches over the Word of God, known through the Sacred Scriptures, continuously comparing it with the events of the life of Jesus; a silence woven of constant prayer, a prayer of blessing of the Lord, of the adoration of His holy will and of unreserved entrustment to his providence. It is no exaggeration to think that it was precisely from his "father" Joseph that Jesus learned -- at the human level -- that steadfast interiority which is a presupposition of authentic justice.... Let us allow ourselves to be "filled" with Saint Joseph's silence! In a world that is often too noisy, that encourages neither recollection nor listening to God's voice.

Pope Benedict XVI
Angelus
December 18, 2005

Dearest Joseph,

     I don't even know where to begin because today, you are ten. 10!!! As you said earlier, "a whole decade". It is so hard to believe that so much time has gone by. It is truly a bittersweet thing as a mother, these birthdays that seem to happen faster and faster. For while I love all of the ages and stages, it is so hard to let go of them. To see you age before my eyes. To watch as that little boy grows long of limb and thinks with the heart of a poet. Not many people know that about you, though, do they? You are so good at being quiet. How difficult it must be to have two obnoxiously-loud parents (and one very loud baby brother) to contend with. Daddy and I are going to do a better job of being quiet. I have to tell you, it's hard for us, me and your daddy. We are so incredibly in love with you and Max and we just have to share it! We live loudly and fully.... and I know that it is not always easy for you. (Just know that we will try to be better.) 

     I love the quote above about St. Joseph, because it so reminds me of you. Your heart. Your way of loving God. Because you are so quiet, and because I have to ask you questions, I am always astounded by your understanding of our God. For somehow, you have listened in the quiet. You have been able to take all of our noisy chatter and allowed God to speak to you and you just.....get it. The "Force" that is our faith is guiding you, and I am so glad to share in this journey with you. Remember that no matter what, you are loved and adored. Never let anyone tell you that you don't matter, or that who you are is not enough. It simply isn't true..... Who you are matters. This world is lucky to have you in it, to remind people that we ALL matter, no matter how different or quiet or quirky.  :)

     How lucky I am to be your mama! You have taught me to be better about being quiet. About listening. Thank you for that. Thank you for being you. And this picture that we took at the zoo? Remember? How you just stood still and looked at this lion? Well.  It reminds me of Aslan, and of staying up late to read The Chronicles of Narnia. It reminds me of hours of listening to "The Lion King"and singing at the top of our lungs. It reminds me of strength. It reminds me of you. When you need a little lifting up? Look at this and remember how strong you are. 

          I adore you, my lion-hearted son. Happy Happy Birthday.

With all my heart. Forever.

~Mama

Yarn Along {Knit Together}

Years ago, my Grandma Krystofik taught me how to knit. She patiently sat beside me and would guide my fingers around the needles and help me to navigate the tangle-y yarn. We laughed until we cried because I was simply...awkward. To be honest, I felt awkward in my body and knitting kind of reinforced that. But oh, I loved those times with Grandma, and would look at all of the wonderful blankets that she had created. 

I realize that I never should have stopped attempting to make my hands lose their awkwardness.... and am so glad that I have decided to learn this craft again. I wrote a little about it here. 

What is most amazing to me is that when I pick up the needles, the muscle memory returns, and I hear her voice and her sweet laugh. (Well. I also remember her cackle and her sigh and her questioning "Are you ready for some lunch now? Because I am.") 

So now, I am simply working on dishcloths. Focusing on the stitches. Trying to keep the tension the same. Relearning. Remembering. I have no idea if I will ever create something as lovely as a sweater....

As for reading, I have been looking through the Vegetarian Cooking for Everyone by Deborah Madison and learning new (interesting?) ways to cook vegetables. Really attempting to fill the bellies of my husband and sons with nutritious foods. 

Joe and I have been reading Stories of the Child Jesus from Many Lands. Good stuff here. We are also still reading and discussing The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe.

And I have also gifted myself the Magnificat. A lovely way to pray with prayers drawn from the Liturgy of the Hours. Tom and I truly do love Night Prayer, and are trying to get more into a rhythm of doing so TOGETHER. There is something so precious about the whispered words "God come to my assistance. Lord, make haste to help me." And our other favorite? "Protect us Lord as we stay awake; watch over us as we sleep, that awake we may keep watch with Christ and asleep, rest in his peace." What a lovely way to fall asleep...a way to shut out the world. And remember that we were knit together so beautifully....

Gratefully joining in with Ginny today:

Gifts {PHFR}

{ pretty }

Joe and I planted these beauties right around Thanksgiving and loved watching the progress. To go from ugly brown bulbs to fragrant living flowers? Loveliness. While they did open on Christmas Day, they toppled over and broke from the weight. SO. They now sit on my windowsill and the butterfly fairy keeps watch.

{ happy }

Oh how I loved visiting with my family over the holidays! So many moments like this one, with Max and Pop Pop watching silly Elmo songs.... It makes me continue to thank God for my family and for the blessed time that I have with them.

{ funny } 

"The Millennium FALCON! I've always wanted this!" Thanks to Aunt Julie and Uncle Geoff, I was able to snap this little gem. Star Wars and Lego's are the current favorites, so this gift? This was the perfect combo.

{ real }

SO. I love the jarred candles that portray Jesus, Mary, and the Saints. I do. However, I have never bought this particular one. (Maybe it's because the visual always scared me as a child, I don't know.) My darling niece, Lucy, had other plans, though. This was her gift to me this Christmas. I love the story about how she chose it best of all. She told her mommy (my sister Rachel) "This one's for Auntie Em." Rachel, who knows me so well, said, "Well, how about this one of Mary?" Lucy looked right at her and said, "No. She NEEDS this one." Then Rachel turned it over and saw the prayer and part of it read, "Come to Me all you that labour and are burdened and I will refresh you." Well then. When I received it, I hugged that sweet soul so tightly and whispered a thank you. And I have been turning to Him more.... (It should also be noted that Lucy chose a candle for "help for the injured" for my Aunt Joany who broke her leg right before Christmas. And no, she didn't read the back. She was led to it. By the Spirit.) Thanks be to God.

Gratefully sharing here today:

And here:

PHFR ~ { heart decorations }

{ pretty real }

As a child, my sisters and I would traipse out to the Christmas tree farm and help my dad choose "just the tree". We had an older home with lovely high ceilings, but one year, we bought a tree that needed to be "trimmed" by about 4 feet. Tom and I have taken the tradition of a real tree and made it our own. I just adore its scent, and was even crazy brave enough to put it in our family room where we can enjoy it every day. Luckily, Max has been "gentle" with the tree.

{ happy }

I love our mantle-scape.  Pulling out these pictures every year just makes me smile. And remember. In the first, Joe at age 4 reading a book during a photo session. He always reads, so it was a perfect picture that captures him. In the second picture, a very skinny me with my college roomie Kristie. I miss her terribly, but love this one of us. Finally, the last picture shows Joe as a baby in a Santa hat, next to a very young Tom and I during our college days. Sweet times. Sweet memories. Happiness.

{ funny }

This reads, "First Christmas Together 1995" and it's funny to think about what I thought my life would be like. :)  I LOVE my life, but I have enjoyed watching it unfold as a surprising present much more than if I had been able to script it all. And under those two little mice? Can you see it? It's a bright ornament that says....HOPE. Indeed.

{ real }

This is what I mean about "scripting" your life.

You know how you always believe that your children are going to see Santa every year? And that they will love it? Well. This is the ONLY picture that I have of Joe with Santa. It was the year that he went with his cousin, Nicole, to "help her be brave". Hmm. I truly believe that Santa's "real-ness" was just overwhelming for him. And even though we don't have a mantle full of Santa pictures, my heart is full of Christmases past, and the hope of many more to come.

Sharing here today:

And here:

Christmas Rose {Wordful Wednesday}

It's been a rough week. 


I ADORE spending time with my husband, and he has not made it home before 8pm any night this week and it feels as if I am spinning in circles. I have truly missed him, and our talks. Looking at each other over the oatmeal this morning, and as I was helping Joe with his backpack and as the baby clung to him...we had to laugh. We have ever so much to be thankful for, yes, but oh, time, how it sometimes rushes past. Life is so very precious.


As I helped everyone to the car, and pulled the crying baby away from his daddy (the baby who was reaching for him and blowing kisses at the same time).... I turned and saw this:

My eyes and heart filled as I looked to the heavens and just... breathed. I took a deep breath for the first time in DAYS, and it felt so good. Here, indeed is that "Shower of Roses" that St. Therese talks about. 

Here is the promise made to Juan Diego (Feast day December 9th) all those years ago in Mexico, and the reason that we celebrate Our Lady of Guadalupe on December 12th.

Do you see the bud above the one in bloom? Amazing.

And oh. 

Yes.

Today is the Vigil of the Feast of the Immaculate Conception, and tomorrow, we will gather at Mass in remembrance of her. Mary. The mother of Jesus.

So often, Mary is presented as a queen, a royal. But I must say that my favorite image of her is that of a mother. She, too, knew what it was like to have a laboring husband, and a child to care for. Cleaning, praying, cooking, loving.... Life.

As I go about my day today, I will remember this beautiful gift of a rose in early December. The one that reminds me that when work gets crazy, the house messiness never seems to disappear, babies cry, and time seems to drift away... beauty happens. Love happens. Miracles happen.

Blessed Vigil to you.....

Sharing here today:

WORDLESS WEDNESDAY

And also here: