PHFR ~ Winter

~ Pretty ~

Trees capture the beauty of light, darkness, and shadows, and in the snowy bleakness of winter, I just can't get enough of them. 

They frame the beauty of the world in such a way that makes me take notice of all that is seen. 

And unseen.

~ Happy ~

This picture isn't just about the bread. It is about the physical act of making this bread with my son, Joe. Joe has a tendency to have an insensitivity to gluten, and we have been trying to limit our use of it. He has done beautifully with gluten-free bread sandwiches... 

But when we had a snow day, I told him that if he helped me to create this bread, that he could have some to actually eat. 

Well. 

We had the BEST time kneading and shaping and talking. I didn't take pictures, because, well, I was living the moment with my son. Connecting, sharing, shaping.... 

This bread is a picture of delicious happiness that happened because of sharing with my son.... 

~ Funny ~

Oops. Mommy forgot to get suitable mittens/gloves for Max. And when the first snow hit, he was going outside no matter what. (Not to worry, mittens have been purchased since, and will be put to good use!)

~ Real (and Really Funny) ~

So. Some of my dad's family is from Texas, and for as long as I can remember, he has loved Davy Crockett. (And when we visited San Antonio and the Alamo? Well, it was like watching a little kid....) 

Thus, the inspiration for the coon-skin caps for the grandchildren this Christmas. 

Trying to photograph them all with their caps on was a scream....and these two pics capture some of the hilarious-ness of gathering them together. 

But in some ways, I love these pictures because if they had all been smiling, we would have wondered what was wrong with them.... 

Life isn't always about pretty pictures or calm children. 

It is about the rough and tumble crazy that comes with the beauty of a life lived with excitement and joy.

Sharing today with:

One word ~ 2013

Hope means hoping when things are hopeless, or it is no virtue at all.
And faith means believing the incredible, or it is no virtue at all.

- G.K. Chesterton

Sometimes, God whispers.

And yes, sometimes, it is a shout that roars screaming right into my heart.... 

As we were getting ready this morning, with all of the ususal "where are my SHOES?" pleadings and fussy toddler morning-ness, I was whispering prayers of thanksgiving for the life that is mine.... 

And no, I don't always approach my life in that way, although I know that I should. I *KNOW* that. I do. It's simply that I get so darn unsure of it all. You know what I mean... these thoughts.... (Am I loving enough? Am I giving everyone the attention that they need? Am I living my vocation as mother as best as I can? Exactly how am I helping my husband to be the best father he can be? ) All of these whispers can drag my spirit right down into the pits. My friend Misty captured it beautifully when she quoted, "don't compare your beginning to someone else's middle" GULP. And that? THAT is where the stirrings of hope can start to rise up.... No matter where I am in the process.....

Yesterday, during a wonderful session of catechesis, we had to write down 1o ways that we believe that we live our lives. The things that drive us, motivate us. And although I knew exactly what those things were, I also mentioned that in looking at the list? Yes. I continuously fail miserably at living up to them. 

BUT.

Here's the beauty in that, as my friends Eileen and Mary Anne reminded me.... Every single day, every single moment, I can choose how I am going to feel about it. 

Every. Single. Moment.

When I hear those whisperings of not-good-enough? That little sprout of hope can be nurtured instead. 

Just like this morning during the chaos when Joe came racing back into the house with a full-face smile to show us the incredible rainbow that graced the sky overhead. I scooped up fussy Max and the four of us just stood in the driveway and stared and wondered and my heart just... filled.

So I will continue my sometimes whispered, sometimes shouted prayers to my God for continued strength. For insight. For Hope.

And so, as a new year starts, and as my family circles me with love, and as I stumble and pick myself up, I know that for this year? My word is HOPE....

For indeed....

The cross means there is no shipwreck without hope; there is no dark without dawn; nor storm without haven.

- Pope John Paul II

Sharing here today:

One Word 365

Puzzling #3 ~ The long, hard post....

Looking back, back to the beginning of our marriage, I clearly remember looking at Tom in absolute wonder and joy, and couldn't wait to begin our journey. To diaper babies, chase toddlers, read silly stories and pray as a family with this amazing man. His love for life and joyous heart spoke to mine and indeed, speaks to me today.... 

But in any great love story, there is doubt and fear and impatience all wrapped up into it too, isn't there? For as much as we wanted those babies, they were a while in coming.... And in that waiting time, I felt my personality shift into fear mode, with a side of envy and desperate want. This wasn't who I wanted to be. For goodness sake, I wanted the hard stuff.... Here we are, Lord. Do with us what You will... (and can you please hurry?)

And yes, in God's time, six years later, we were indeed gifted with Joseph. Our Joe. A tiny bundle of energy who brought more joy to our lives than we could begin to fathom....our world was never ever going to be the same and we couldn't have been happier. And we are still happy, but a new reality is shaping.... and we are being shaped by it.

When Joe was two, and in pre-school, I couldn't wait to go to his "Mother's Tea".  This. THIS is what I had longed for all of those years. To play and enjoy all of those wonderful mommy events. As I came down the hall and heard the joyful shouts coming from the room, it warmed my heart. But when I looked in, I saw a group of boys build a tower and then send it crashing with a truck, while over in the other corner, there were boys and girls playing house. Where was Joe? Surely, he must be in the bathroom?

And then I saw him. 

He was sitting in front of the bookcase with a book on his lap and completely entranced. My stomach dropped as I waited for him to notice me. Eventually, he looked up and with a little smile said, "Oh hi, mommy. Be right there." (Mind you, he had a speech delay, so this is what I knew he said but it didn't sound quite like this.)  Even as I type this, there is a lump in my throat. I hate to say it, but mother's intuition is a blessing and a curse. I had a background in Psychology, had worked as an Early Intervention Specialist, and was a teacher. I *knew* that this was not a typical reaction from a 2 year old. For most children, social play is typical. And while I was glad that he liked books....well....my heart has never really been the same. It's true that he has always been a little puzzle....

I have to tell you that this has been a rough week. After many years of never really having all of the answers, and knowing that he has ADHD and anxiety but that that really didn't answer it all.... 

we learned that Joe has Asperger's. 

That he is on the spectrum of autistic disorders. (And the crazy part? When the DSM-V comes out? Asperger's won't really exist. It is all going to fall under the umbrella of Autism Spectrum Disorder, or ASD. How's THAT for confusing? This disorder is so incredibly strange because it doesn't look the same in any two people. It is why it is so tough to diagnose.) 

And here is where my fear ramps up again. I imagine some people reading this, nodding their heads saying, "See. I knew it." or "How did they not know this?" I feel judged and shamed and scared to death.

When in reality, do you really think....
that I didn't know that he wasn't socially mature? 
that we buried our heads in the sand? 

Do you really know how hard this has been and continues to be?

How it breaks my heart to watch him attempt to make friends or play sports, and stop after awhile because it is just too hard? 

Do you know that when you are enjoying a houseful of people this Thanksgiving, that I will have to carefully watch and see if Joe gets too overwhelmed? Even with family? Make apologies and have him apologize?

Gosh. And family. Talk about the swirl of emotions there! As the oldest grandchild, the oldest cousin, we have to watch as the younger ones wonder why he sometimes walks away from them. More overwhelming feelings of guilt.

Disclosing this so publicly is tough, but if Tom and I have been anything, it's honest. We have to admit that this is hard for two social butterflies to understand. We crave conversation and togetherness and emotional connection. On the surface, this label that is now placed on our child screams avoidance and social isolation and disconnect.

But this label? This doesn't even begin to capture all of the wonder and spirit and character of my child. No label can begin to encompass the divine grace and goodness that is wrapped up in flesh.

Here is what I do know:

Joe's Baptism pillow, handmade by my sweet cousin, Julie Burchell Cowan

For this child I prayed. We prayed. Joe is who he is, and we are here to love him. 
No. Matter. What. 
We will continue to love and pray and fight for and nurture and help him however we can. Even if it means that we are taken out of our comfort zone. Even if we have to slow down and  allow him to grow at his own pace. Even if it is horribly messy and we make mistakes and we fall down a thousand times over. Even if....

No. We didn't pray for a perfect child. 
Yet somehow, we got the perfect child. For us.

{CWA} ~ October 15, 2012

Moments of Gratitude
~ sticky lollipop hands offering me the last little bit
~ teaching Joe the finer points of scoring in football...(he doesn't care, but know that daddy and I do...so he listened and is taking it in)
~ sweet helpers at the grocery store who make my child laugh at just the right moment
~ prayers whispered and sung

From the Kitchen and Pondering about Beauty in the Ordinary
....there is this Chicken coconut curry in the crock pot and simmering on the stove is this Lamb stock (thanks to the bones from our CSA).  Later in the week, we may have a fritatta. 

As I talked with my friend Colleen this morning, I mentioned that clearly, my mind and heart are wrestling with some very loud fears. I know this, because my sink and counter tops and stove are working at full capacity. When I am overwhelmed, I cook. There is healing and grace that comes from chopping and slicing and boiling....  Motherhood, this beautifully raw vocation that I have chosen and desired astounds me with the force of it. How it can wrap my heart in a love indescribable and yet bring me to my knees with the pain of it.... And so as I attempt to make sense of it all....I cook. 

And as I do, there is a prayer card tucked against the windowsill behind a rock that Joe gave to me years ago from a walk in the woods. This is the image I see:

And this is the prayer:

O Mary, Mother of the Unborn, protect the gift of human life which your Divine Son has allowed to be given.

Give strength and joy to all parents as the await the birth of the precious child they have conceived.

Give courage to those who are fearful, calm those who are anxious and guide all of us, with your motherly care, to treasure and protect the miraculous gift of human life.

We ask this through your Son, Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen. Mary Mother of the Unborn, Pray for Us.

Praying

...for continued grace to just allow life to flow as it should as I watch my children become who they were meant to be...no matter how long it takes, or how hard the struggle. To just enjoy the journey. I am not called to measure myself or my children against anyone else. (But how do I tell that to my heart?)

...for our country...that we come to recognize that all life is Sacred... (how have we come to believe that children are expendable? or that we can just choose to not allow them to live? I just don't understand. We can do so much better.)

Reading

Magnificat
Abraham, A Journey to the Heart of Three Faiths
Secrets of Eden by Chris Bohjalian ... for some reason, this author has completely captured me lately. This is the 5th book of his that I am just devouring....

Captured

I have to share this picture from 2 weeks ago when we went to the blessing of the animals. Our wonderful Deacon Eric, Joe praying and holding tight to our dog, Cleo. And then there's Maximilian, checking in on our kitties, Han, and Sasha. (His comment, "Day get wawa too?" just melted all of us.)

Sharing with the beautiful women of Suscipio

Fall Hike....

To maintain a joyful family requires much from both the parents and the children. Each member of the family has to become, in a special way, the servant of the others.

~ Pope John Paul II

There just never seems to be enough time, does there? I could have spent all day outside with these two.... This world just spins too fast, and it is necessary to take time to squeeze out every ounce of joy.

Oh this little face.... How I wish that time could 

just. stand. still. 

And as the time came to go home, and tired little feet just couldn't make it up the hill, I loved the tenderness of father and son. The complete trust and adoration just melted my heart. I followed behind, blinking back tears, and attempting to drink in the memory and burn it into my heart.....

{PHFR} ~ October 4, 2012

{ Pretty }

This is our sweet kitty, Han (as in...Han Solo of course). I just loved the way that his stripes looked as I walked past the dining room. On this, the feast of St. Francis of Assisi, I wanted to show how lucky we are to have this stray as part of our family. 

{ Happy }

On a recent sun-filled day, Max and I spent almost the entire time outside. Not only did the sunshine make me happy, but oh, this child who wanted to "dwaw" and "wawa pants" just made my heart sing. 

{ Funny }

As we celebrated my nephew Charlie's Baptism, I couldn't help but capture this picture of his brother, Peter. Before we headed out to the cathedral, there were tornado warnings and it POURED. Luckily, we all made it safely, but with boots on, of course! 

{ Real }

 There is nothing more real to me than the Sacraments of Initiation. These pictures of Charlie's Baptism invoke in me the powerful love of God and human connectedness. My cousin Jason was recently ordained a deacon and was able to celebrate this Sacrament... What a gift. And although these pictures don't show my sister Katie, Charlie's mama, I loved the connection between my cousin Julie, Charlie's godmother, and Charlie.... 

Sharing today with Like Mother, Like Daughter

Dreaming of the Sea..... a letter to Tom

"The sea does not reward those who are too anxious, too greedy, or too impatient. One should lie empty, open, choiceless as a beach--waiting for a gift from the sea."

- Anne Morrow Lindbergh

(See this? This is soul-stirring for this crazy wife of yours....)

Dearest one, 

     

  How I feel the need to ask for your forgiveness.... To let you know that I know that I have been a little bit crazy-yelly-monstrous  ...overwhelmed.... lately. Please, please understand that it is not because of you, or in spite of you, or because of things not done. No. Rather, it is this yearning-dreamer heart of mine that gets in the way of daily life. Getting stuck in the rhythm only, and not helping to increase the joy. My life is truly peopled with the most wonderful of human beings. 

     How selfish I feel that I so completely drank in the deliciousness of those 2 days away with you for our anniversary. (17! What?! Weren't you just coming to visit me at college last year?)  The time spent with you was a gift in itself because it again reaffirms who WE are matter. The US is so good. And to take me to the ocean? Perfect....... 

     I kept snapping pictures of these two chairs because, well, they reminded me of us. Windswept, weathered, together. Turning towards the sun and back again to the sea as the wind shifted. 

   So with the ocean in my mind and you on my heart, here is what I have done today..... With every pass of the vacuum, a prayer was whispered. With every toy and random item picked up, there was thanks given......With every sock placed in the washer, I prayed for whomever it belonged to....

~ For you, that you would have peace in your heart. 

~ For Joe, that he would be able to continue to love those who make fun of the quirky delight that he really is. 

~ For Max, that I would never, ever cease to delight in the wonder of his life.....)

     And so, as we continue to look to our God and to each other, I want to say that I do thank you for grounding me...

     Just know that the dreamer-wisher in me? Well. Even though I may talk about the roads I want to travel, or the places-by-the-sea where-I-could-live, what I truly desire is to have you alongside me for the ride for forever. Maybe I haven't told you enough, but dreaming of the sea does me no good if I cannot have you there....

With all of my heart, for forever,

~mj

p.s. Um. Here is the perfect example of life lived joyfully. As I type this, Max is on my lap with sticky peanut butter hands laughing at the picture above. "Daddy walking. Bye!!!" Pure joy here. Truly.

Catholic Woman's Almanac ~ October 1, 2012

Moments of Gratitude
~ time at the beach with my Tom to celebrate our 17th anniversary
~ time to meet with Misty over coffee and pastries...and meet "in real life" this beautiful friend 
~ time to play with Max and laugh at the funny things that he does and says
~ time to explore friendships, new and old....

Beauty in the Ordinary

From the Kitchen
Today.....
Chicken meatalls
Sweet potato fries
Creamed spinach

Later this week....
Potato-bacon chowder (with freshly dug potatoes from our CSA)
Rosemary/Basalmic-Pork tenderloin


Praying
~For this beautiful country of ours as we look to the election....and most especially for the respect for all life....
~For my parents and their fellow parish members on their pilgrimage to Sicily....
~For Colleen and her dad as they pilgrimage to Medjugorje
~ For Joe, as he continues to navigate the intricate maze of school, friendships, and just...life

Reading

Listening to

Dying Young Soundtrack
Sesame Street


Captured

My sweet brother-in-law, Eric, and his Godson, Charlie

Gratefully sharing at Suscipio today....

PHFR ~ {change of season}

{ Pretty }

Slowly but surely Spring is starting to show her colors. One of my favorite plants is the Forsythia. A riot of crazy color that seems to just burst forth from nothing.

{ Happy }

Our bluebirds are back feathering their nest and the whole family is ecstatic! We need to go to the bird store and get them some meal worms. What a beautiful start to Spring.

{ Real Fun }

Nothing is more real than potty training. My 20-month old, Max, was pulling at his diaper and then ran to the bathroom. So. Slowly but surely, we are becoming friends with the potty. Thank goodness for wonderful things like "Elmo's Potty Book". (He has yet to tell me BEFORE he goes in his diaper, but at least he is becoming aware, right?) And it's funny, because I hope that he will transition to other potties even if we don't have the Elmo book.....

 

{ Real }

We visited my dear friend Carol and her family this weekend for their St. Patrick's Day party. And by party, I mean a-time-filled-with-delicious-food-and-homemade-brew-and-family-and-friends. I've realized that it is the kind of party that I've always thought that I have, but no. These people ate almost everything. Here in the south, it's like people eat before they come over.... Still, that aside, the two men above are two of the sweetest, most wonderful men ever. AND. They make delicious food. Homemade pizza on Friday, and corned beef on Saturday (and then made into hash on Sunday). Good times. Real food. Real people. Real love. It was hard to leave our friendmily and come home to real life. :)

Sharing here today:

Yarn Along {Knit Together}

Years ago, my Grandma Krystofik taught me how to knit. She patiently sat beside me and would guide my fingers around the needles and help me to navigate the tangle-y yarn. We laughed until we cried because I was simply...awkward. To be honest, I felt awkward in my body and knitting kind of reinforced that. But oh, I loved those times with Grandma, and would look at all of the wonderful blankets that she had created. 

I realize that I never should have stopped attempting to make my hands lose their awkwardness.... and am so glad that I have decided to learn this craft again. I wrote a little about it here. 

What is most amazing to me is that when I pick up the needles, the muscle memory returns, and I hear her voice and her sweet laugh. (Well. I also remember her cackle and her sigh and her questioning "Are you ready for some lunch now? Because I am.") 

So now, I am simply working on dishcloths. Focusing on the stitches. Trying to keep the tension the same. Relearning. Remembering. I have no idea if I will ever create something as lovely as a sweater....

As for reading, I have been looking through the Vegetarian Cooking for Everyone by Deborah Madison and learning new (interesting?) ways to cook vegetables. Really attempting to fill the bellies of my husband and sons with nutritious foods. 

Joe and I have been reading Stories of the Child Jesus from Many Lands. Good stuff here. We are also still reading and discussing The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe.

And I have also gifted myself the Magnificat. A lovely way to pray with prayers drawn from the Liturgy of the Hours. Tom and I truly do love Night Prayer, and are trying to get more into a rhythm of doing so TOGETHER. There is something so precious about the whispered words "God come to my assistance. Lord, make haste to help me." And our other favorite? "Protect us Lord as we stay awake; watch over us as we sleep, that awake we may keep watch with Christ and asleep, rest in his peace." What a lovely way to fall asleep...a way to shut out the world. And remember that we were knit together so beautifully....

Gratefully joining in with Ginny today:

Pinning it Down {Mini Breakfast Frittatas}

Joining in with Sarah today... sharing how Pinterest is more that just a place to put stuff. It's a place to be inspired. And to do something. 


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Feeding my family is one of my favorite parts of my job ... I have always loved playing around with recipes and tossing things in the pan. And when I know that not only have I made something healthy, but that they love what I make? Bonus.


However. One of the hardest parts is planning ahead. My focus and prayer this year is to look to the future (not TOO far, or then I get a little paralyzed), decide what I would like to do, and then DO IT. 


So. In order to get more protein into my family's diet, I started to look for recipes with eggs that I could refrigerate or freeze. And I found this one from Family Fun. Now, I've made these before, for when we had guests.... why not for my sweet family that I am with everyday?! 

I also love recipes that are flexible. This particular one is almost like making individual omelets. You can have as much or as little seasonings or add-ins that you want. The one in the picture below has turkey bacon, garlic, onions, and spinach. Joe's comment was, "Mommy. This. Is. Delicious." Perfect.

I also had several potatoes that I needed to do something with (you know, a 15 lb. bag from Costco) so I looked up several recipes and found this one. The original is from Seasalt with Food.

Have you ever made Hasselback potatoes? I thought that they looked so restaurant-like and end up with a salty-crispy outside and creamy inside. A perfect baked potato in my opinion.

Next time, I am going to make several batches!

(Oh yes. Everything tasted wonderfully this morning, and I knew that my boys were ready for the day. )

Joyfully joining in with Sarah today:

Gifts {PHFR}

{ pretty }

Joe and I planted these beauties right around Thanksgiving and loved watching the progress. To go from ugly brown bulbs to fragrant living flowers? Loveliness. While they did open on Christmas Day, they toppled over and broke from the weight. SO. They now sit on my windowsill and the butterfly fairy keeps watch.

{ happy }

Oh how I loved visiting with my family over the holidays! So many moments like this one, with Max and Pop Pop watching silly Elmo songs.... It makes me continue to thank God for my family and for the blessed time that I have with them.

{ funny } 

"The Millennium FALCON! I've always wanted this!" Thanks to Aunt Julie and Uncle Geoff, I was able to snap this little gem. Star Wars and Lego's are the current favorites, so this gift? This was the perfect combo.

{ real }

SO. I love the jarred candles that portray Jesus, Mary, and the Saints. I do. However, I have never bought this particular one. (Maybe it's because the visual always scared me as a child, I don't know.) My darling niece, Lucy, had other plans, though. This was her gift to me this Christmas. I love the story about how she chose it best of all. She told her mommy (my sister Rachel) "This one's for Auntie Em." Rachel, who knows me so well, said, "Well, how about this one of Mary?" Lucy looked right at her and said, "No. She NEEDS this one." Then Rachel turned it over and saw the prayer and part of it read, "Come to Me all you that labour and are burdened and I will refresh you." Well then. When I received it, I hugged that sweet soul so tightly and whispered a thank you. And I have been turning to Him more.... (It should also be noted that Lucy chose a candle for "help for the injured" for my Aunt Joany who broke her leg right before Christmas. And no, she didn't read the back. She was led to it. By the Spirit.) Thanks be to God.

Gratefully sharing here today:

And here: