When doubt comes 'round again....

     Sitting with Joe last night, in the fading light of day, my heart was troubled. As I watched him work through a math problem on a math placement test, I was immediately blind-sided by a feeling of worry so heavy that I felt that my heart would break. You know. The soul-gripping, mind-fuzzy kind that threatens to break you in half.
    
      You see, I am still fighting within myself about my ability to home school. Not the decision to, for that has been prayerfully, peacefully made. No. Instead, it's that horrendously wicked self-doubt that grips with talons. Tearing at my self-worth. And all because of the decision over what math curriculum to dive into? Really? Why do I allow this to happen? And what if I don't do science right? Will he learn all that he is supposed to? Oh dear.... All because I allowed DOUBT to enter in. 
    

      And then Tom, my cool-as-a-cucumber husband-who-seems-to-be -able-to-do-anything-he-wants-to-and-do-it-well-without-really-thinking-about-it walks in and simply says, "But honey. We really haven't been to any conferences yet or really physically looked at them. How do we know what to look for yet? Let's just take it one step at a time. We'll do what's right."  He does have a point there. More than you know. I do tend to jump in feet first and then wonder why I'm drowning ... I love ideas and thoughts and dreams, and then have a tough time seeing them all the way through. It's truly one of my character flaws traits. So why can't I trust in myself? What is stopping me there?
    
     Lately, I have been reading Ann Voskamp's book, and she has such a way of weaving words. Somehow, I needed to hear this:

  Joining in with others here:  

Stay calm, enter the moment, give thanks. .... I breathe deep and He preaches to me, soothing the time-frenzied soul with the grace river to whisper. Life is not an emergency. Life is eucharisteo..... That in Christ, urgent means slow. That in Christ, the most urgent necessitates a slow and steady reverence. ..... Life at its fullest is this sensitive, detonating sphere, and it can be carried only in the hands of the unhurried and reverential - a bubble held in awe. (From pages 74-75)

     Oh how I needed to hear this. It's OK to take things slowly, despite what this crazy harried world tells me. It's alright to wonder and question, as long as it leads me to Christ. To trust. To believe. And yes, to hope.         

     As I continue to pray, research, and indeed dream about what I want next year to look like, I will also try to do better with trusting myself. This is going to be harder than teaching for me, by the way. Because it means that I will have to trust that I make the right decisions. (And will I?) Even if not everything turns out the way that I think that it should, I do know that I am so very blessed to have a husband who allows me to question and wonder, to dive right in, and who will be there when I doubt or flounder or just plain mess it up. Who will help to lift me up to God. And I couldn't ask for more. 

(I suppose that I imagine that I am like these daisies...reaching for sun...the Son...For air. For nurturance...)