Monday Color

Oh Beauty, ever ancient, ever new.

~ St. Augustine

When an almost-three-year-old asks if he can paint, it is an invitation to watch wonder in progress.

Exploring colors, feeling textures, and watching joy happen.

Swirls of color, intersecting imagination and reality.

Fingers cast in new shades of bluish-reddish happiness.

Wanting forever to hold onto the magic that is unfolding as delight and curious abandonment is happening....

And loving this sweet face that is still filled with such overwhelming joy and new delight in this big, wide, wonderful world of ours.

Gentle Love

This week, Max tagged along when I took Joe for his riding lesson. There is something magical about how quiet the boys become around these gentle animals.

Joe (whispering): Come here, Max, come pet her nose.

Max (whispering): 'K, Joe. Thanks.

It was a great afternoon....

{ this moment }

...because....

I'm still here. Just not quite as verbal lately (whether it be talking or writing)
...because I have been trying to be quiet and listen.

Those who know and (still) love me well, can appreciate that I just love to be truly with them. 
Laughing (loudly). 
Talking (also loudly). 
Breathing deep.
Enjoying the moment.
Savoring togetherness.


But I've been in my head a lot, too. Reading articles, checking out books, talking with experts, doctors, and therapists....Attempting to understand (if that's even possible) this creature, this world of autism, and more importantly, to understand how it affects MY child. 

After all, they say that it's better to be informed. 

Well.

 I don't know who they is, and I would usually agree. But this? Noone really knows it all. It's hard to know what direction to go in or who to talk to first. Really, our toxic world has created something that has changed our children, and they can't even agree on what it is. And it's not one-size-fits-all, either. 

...because they don't know the heartbreak of watching your child try to fit in. 
...because they don't see how you agonize as you try to decide if he should or should not go to summer camp
...because they don't understand that it feels like your parenting is being judged and questioned and possibly being laughed at all. the. time. 

We are in the spotlight, you see. It feels as if EVERYONE knows us, and is watching us. But not really. I KNOW that, I do, it's just a really hard feeling to shake.

So. 
because of all of the noise, 
because of all of the talk, 
becaue of all of the competing voices of help
because of all of the spinning-in-circles-because-I have-to-make-a-thousand-different-decisions-today.....

I have taken time to try to get inside the mind and heart of my Joe who takes it all in and isn't as, well, loud, as the rest of us. At least not all of the time. Sometimes, his laughter rings through the house like the sound of a church bell, and when he is excited about something, I could listen to him talk for forever. Truly. 

But this week, I was able to observe the following:

Joe patiently telling Max that "No, Brown Bear is BROWN, see, like the door? And Blue Horse is really BLUE, just like your walls. OK?"

After getting tested for allergies, Joe asked us, "SO I'm really not allergic to dogs and cats? Oh thank goodness." Then he promptly sat down with Cleo, our dog, with his arm draped around her, and said, "I love you, and I would take allergy shots for you. But luckily, I don't have to."

Max sitting on the porch and re-telling in the cutest mish-mash possible "Where the Wild Things Are:.... to the worms that he had gathered together. When they started to wiggle away, he said, "Max says, "BE STILL"."

Max wandering into Joe's room while we were reading together, and said, "Joe, I play with your LEGO's, ok?" 

Waiting for the (possible) bark from Joe, I was amazed to hear just the smallest "HMMPH" and then, 
"OK Max, but DON'T mess up my house I made, ok?"
 "K Joe." 
Then he looked at me, smiled, and said, "Where were we?" (Of course then I had to explain why I had tears running down my face. He finally GOT the scenario that we have been rehearsing and rehearsing and rehearsing some more. Praise God for small miracles is true prayer in this home.) 

...And finally, when Joe was in the car with just me, I played a lovely little song called, "Hey Little Man" by Eddie From Ohio. (Click on the link to hear it...and download for free.) When I looked in the mirror, my boy was wiping away tears. Choked up, I asked him what was wrong. His answer, "Nothing, mama. Just a sweet song is all." 

Exactly.

And so we hope and pray and listen....

...because...

Spring Lesson

 

 

Leaning over, Max dug his little hands in the dirt and created a hole for the "punkin'" seeds. As he placed the marker in the ground, and stood there for a moment, I could just feel what he was thinking. And then, in his sweet little voice, he said it...

 

"Mommy. Why the punkin' not coming out? It's too dark in dare. Is it O.K.? It need da sun. Right?"

 

 

Taking a deep breath, wiping away tears, I told him that the darkness is helping the seed. It is protecting it as it waits to grow. And then, because of the sunshine and water, it will start to grow... But that it takes time.

 

Standing there, as the bright sunshine fell on my darling son (and on those punkin' seeds) I actually listened to my words.

 

Listened to my heart....

 

Remembered that we are a people who repeatedly say "from death into life"....

 

Remembered that the promise of the cross is hope. Life. Growth... 

 

And so, in the meantime, while we are waiting for that punkin' to grow, waiting for the sunshine and water to nurture, we will continue on with LIFE.

 

Joyfully.

 



Good Grief

“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing.

~ C.S. Lewis, "A Grief Observed"

How do you ever completely capture the feeling, the reality, the rawness of loss? 

What is the appropriate way to grieve the loss of someone whom you have never even met, but love beyond all understanding? 

Is this what faith is? This intangible presence of something unseen, and yet seen in the lives of those we love? 

I can honestly tell you that I am wrestling with all of this, especially this Lent, as I grieve the loss of our 4th child. The loss of the dream of raising and nurturing and loving another child due to miscarriage... 

And that word...miscarriage? It literally sends a shiver down my spine. What a distasteful, misleading word that does nothing to convey the deep sense of loss of a human being. The loss of a loved-beyond-all-measure child of God. It says nothing of the connectedness and then rift between mother, father, and child, and then the grief that overwhelms. If you think about it, as a culture, we squash it down, hide it away, don't talk about it. It makes people uncomfortable. But I believe that the logic is clear: There was a heartbeat. There was a life. Therefore, there was a death. The rhetoric commonly used is misleading, too: Loss of a pregnancy or fetal tissue.....

Well. I lost a child. No...wait....

Four. Of. Them.

Just because I was unable to hold them in my arms does not make them any less real or human or alive. No. (And telling us that we are lucky and to just be happy that we have two children? Yeah. That, too, makes our pain seem petty or unreal.) My heart is breaking wide open and this child-sized hole? It pretty much makes me feel like I'm drowning....

Ah. But then that visible presence of the invisible God comes fluttering in on soft wings like the kiss of the Holy Spirit. It comes in the form of human beings who grace my life with their heart, their love, and their care. It came from my sisters who truly grieve the loss of another cousin for their children to love. It came from my friend Colleen, who reminded me that it is alright to grieve the loss of the dream of what could be, not just of what was....

And it came from my beautiful cousin, Julie, who knew that I was suffering the loss of this baby with a such a heavy heart....gifted me with beautiful words of encouragement and faith... and this:

This beautiful handmade rosary from Heartfelt Rosaries, along with the Chaplet of Hannah's Tears. What a tangible way to allow grief to be expressed...through the comforting ritual of caressing rosary beads and saying the beloved prayers that have allayed my fears since childhood. Sometimes saying a prayer over and over and over again when you feel as if  you cannot move forward can begin to unwind the knots in your heart. 

And you know who else has helped me on this journey? My sensitive 11-year old, Joe. As he prayed with me, he said, "Well Mommy. Just know that I love you. And so does Max. And I know that daddy does. And now you have 4 more who love you. They are just not here."  So that's it. They are just not here. Just like my loved ones that I have physically known, who are now with the rest of the Communion of Saints. Ah. Thanks, Joe. As much as I wanted to scream and yell and say, "But I WANT them here....", you helped me to see God. One day, you will know how very much you have helped your mama survive this life...

And so as I sit at the foot of the cross this Holy Week, with my beloved, suffering Tom by my side, you can believe that my heart and soul will be crying out for mercy, for understanding, for peace. Wrapping my hands around my rosary as I reach for the presence of my God, I will sit with Mary and grieve with her....Searching and trusting and believing that this journey is a blessing. Because of the Cross.

And grief is good. 

Heart Song

Have you seen the movie "Happy Feet"? The one where the penguins sing songs to each other, and how they each have a "heart song"? I must admit that it wasn't my favorite. But as I have listened to it, the truth of what they are saying/singing makes a whole lot of sense. And Mumble, the penguin who is told that he doesn't have a heart song because he dances instead of sings? Oh I SO understand him.... (no. Not because I can dance, but because I have a child who dances and sings to a different tune than most of the world.)

And lately, I have really been trying to listen to my family. To really hear what my boys and my husband have been attempting to say to me. 

Their heart songs are sometimes hard to hear, shrill, or completely out of sync with my own. 

So how, then, do I really hear?.
Sometimes, it's with quiet words....

For my oldest, my dear, tender-hearted Joe, I decided to create a conversation journal. Although I could talk forever (and my dearest friends know what I mean) I am aware that it is hard for him to open up as easily. This way, we can talk at his own pace.... open-hearted and real. God is indeed sending me little messages that have PATIENCE screaming written into the subject line.

And the start of his first letter was just so adorable. He apologized for being "late" and then proceeded to tell me how much he loves all of us (even though Max can be a bother at times...). 

His heart is truly beautiful, and I only wish that the world was able to see it like I do. But I guess that that is what mothers are for? To know, and love, and understand like no other? To be able to see the absolute truth instead of just the exterior face? Oh. What a gift.....

As for my Max, well, we have been listening to Cat Chat, a Catholic audio show for kids, and I love how they include music and prayers. During the day, Max will be playing with his marbles, and I will hear him belt out the Hail Mary. Or the Magnificat. Truly wonderful stuff, there. 

Just this morning, he said, "Mommy, Joe at school?" When I reminded him that he was, he said, "I wuv Joe. He my good brother." 

Then he took my hand and led me into the front parlor. 

He said, "Sit down mommy. I play like Joe." 

And he proceeded to "play". Just like big brother Joe. Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star never sounded so perfect. It shot a love song straight to my heart.

As I move through this achingly beautiful-hard time of motherhood, I pray that I can continue to listen, learn, and sing with my children as they grow. Despite the pain, the frustration, the hurt that goes along with the beauty.

For I don't want to miss a heart song that is just for me...


Gratefully sharing here today:

PHFR ~ Winter

~ Pretty ~

Trees capture the beauty of light, darkness, and shadows, and in the snowy bleakness of winter, I just can't get enough of them. 

They frame the beauty of the world in such a way that makes me take notice of all that is seen. 

And unseen.

~ Happy ~

This picture isn't just about the bread. It is about the physical act of making this bread with my son, Joe. Joe has a tendency to have an insensitivity to gluten, and we have been trying to limit our use of it. He has done beautifully with gluten-free bread sandwiches... 

But when we had a snow day, I told him that if he helped me to create this bread, that he could have some to actually eat. 

Well. 

We had the BEST time kneading and shaping and talking. I didn't take pictures, because, well, I was living the moment with my son. Connecting, sharing, shaping.... 

This bread is a picture of delicious happiness that happened because of sharing with my son.... 

~ Funny ~

Oops. Mommy forgot to get suitable mittens/gloves for Max. And when the first snow hit, he was going outside no matter what. (Not to worry, mittens have been purchased since, and will be put to good use!)

~ Real (and Really Funny) ~

So. Some of my dad's family is from Texas, and for as long as I can remember, he has loved Davy Crockett. (And when we visited San Antonio and the Alamo? Well, it was like watching a little kid....) 

Thus, the inspiration for the coon-skin caps for the grandchildren this Christmas. 

Trying to photograph them all with their caps on was a scream....and these two pics capture some of the hilarious-ness of gathering them together. 

But in some ways, I love these pictures because if they had all been smiling, we would have wondered what was wrong with them.... 

Life isn't always about pretty pictures or calm children. 

It is about the rough and tumble crazy that comes with the beauty of a life lived with excitement and joy.

Sharing today with:

A little bit of magic ~ {PHFR}

Once in awhile, there is a picture that captures so much of my heart that I just wonder if it is still inside of my body. 

When a moment of magic pierces the ordinary with such a fierceness that it melts away all of the everyday-ness and becomes a snapshot for the ages.

Our normally vivacious Max stared at this dear Santa and looked back at us with such quiet wonder that it made me stop. 

And just observe. 

(I recognize that this is a tough thing for me. I like to be smack in the middle of the action. Laughing, talking....being. But my energetic two-year-old taught me to be quiet. 

Seems that I am ever-learning things from my children....especially this year.)

He then left our side and walked boldly up to him and climbed onto his lap. 

Not saying anything.

Just looking.

Just listening.

And eventually accepting a candy cane.

It was a moment gone too soon, but one that will forever be filled with....

....my child's perfect amazement

....the warmth of my husband's hand in mine

....magic

Joining in with the others at Like Mother, Like Daughter

{CWA} ~ October 15, 2012

Moments of Gratitude
~ sticky lollipop hands offering me the last little bit
~ teaching Joe the finer points of scoring in football...(he doesn't care, but know that daddy and I do...so he listened and is taking it in)
~ sweet helpers at the grocery store who make my child laugh at just the right moment
~ prayers whispered and sung

From the Kitchen and Pondering about Beauty in the Ordinary
....there is this Chicken coconut curry in the crock pot and simmering on the stove is this Lamb stock (thanks to the bones from our CSA).  Later in the week, we may have a fritatta. 

As I talked with my friend Colleen this morning, I mentioned that clearly, my mind and heart are wrestling with some very loud fears. I know this, because my sink and counter tops and stove are working at full capacity. When I am overwhelmed, I cook. There is healing and grace that comes from chopping and slicing and boiling....  Motherhood, this beautifully raw vocation that I have chosen and desired astounds me with the force of it. How it can wrap my heart in a love indescribable and yet bring me to my knees with the pain of it.... And so as I attempt to make sense of it all....I cook. 

And as I do, there is a prayer card tucked against the windowsill behind a rock that Joe gave to me years ago from a walk in the woods. This is the image I see:

And this is the prayer:

O Mary, Mother of the Unborn, protect the gift of human life which your Divine Son has allowed to be given.

Give strength and joy to all parents as the await the birth of the precious child they have conceived.

Give courage to those who are fearful, calm those who are anxious and guide all of us, with your motherly care, to treasure and protect the miraculous gift of human life.

We ask this through your Son, Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen. Mary Mother of the Unborn, Pray for Us.

Praying

...for continued grace to just allow life to flow as it should as I watch my children become who they were meant to be...no matter how long it takes, or how hard the struggle. To just enjoy the journey. I am not called to measure myself or my children against anyone else. (But how do I tell that to my heart?)

...for our country...that we come to recognize that all life is Sacred... (how have we come to believe that children are expendable? or that we can just choose to not allow them to live? I just don't understand. We can do so much better.)

Reading

Magnificat
Abraham, A Journey to the Heart of Three Faiths
Secrets of Eden by Chris Bohjalian ... for some reason, this author has completely captured me lately. This is the 5th book of his that I am just devouring....

Captured

I have to share this picture from 2 weeks ago when we went to the blessing of the animals. Our wonderful Deacon Eric, Joe praying and holding tight to our dog, Cleo. And then there's Maximilian, checking in on our kitties, Han, and Sasha. (His comment, "Day get wawa too?" just melted all of us.)

Sharing with the beautiful women of Suscipio

Fall Hike....

To maintain a joyful family requires much from both the parents and the children. Each member of the family has to become, in a special way, the servant of the others.

~ Pope John Paul II

There just never seems to be enough time, does there? I could have spent all day outside with these two.... This world just spins too fast, and it is necessary to take time to squeeze out every ounce of joy.

Oh this little face.... How I wish that time could 

just. stand. still. 

And as the time came to go home, and tired little feet just couldn't make it up the hill, I loved the tenderness of father and son. The complete trust and adoration just melted my heart. I followed behind, blinking back tears, and attempting to drink in the memory and burn it into my heart.....

Catholic Woman's Almanac ~ October 1, 2012

Moments of Gratitude
~ time at the beach with my Tom to celebrate our 17th anniversary
~ time to meet with Misty over coffee and pastries...and meet "in real life" this beautiful friend 
~ time to play with Max and laugh at the funny things that he does and says
~ time to explore friendships, new and old....

Beauty in the Ordinary

From the Kitchen
Today.....
Chicken meatalls
Sweet potato fries
Creamed spinach

Later this week....
Potato-bacon chowder (with freshly dug potatoes from our CSA)
Rosemary/Basalmic-Pork tenderloin


Praying
~For this beautiful country of ours as we look to the election....and most especially for the respect for all life....
~For my parents and their fellow parish members on their pilgrimage to Sicily....
~For Colleen and her dad as they pilgrimage to Medjugorje
~ For Joe, as he continues to navigate the intricate maze of school, friendships, and just...life

Reading

Listening to

Dying Young Soundtrack
Sesame Street


Captured

My sweet brother-in-law, Eric, and his Godson, Charlie

Gratefully sharing at Suscipio today....

To Max ~ who colors our world....

Colors swirled on paper 

mirrors your life

swirled in hearts full of gratitude

     Oh Max! Dearest child that has brought such joy-filled crazy to our household. How can we ever begin to thank God for the incredible gift of you? YOU. Our very own "Miracle Max" who came into being at the moment you were so incredibly needed...Grace indeed.
      

     I love to watch you with your daddy, to see his heart melt into a puddle every time you call for him or bring him a book to read or snuggle in tight. You helped to remind him that life is wonderful and silly and I honestly have never seen him more alive....

     And Joe, your big brother? It has been amazing to watch him with you. To see the care and love that he has shown you, along with the playfulness that has emerged? What a gift indeed. I know that sometimes he gets impatient with you (well, we all do) and it is only because you still have things to teach us. Remind us. We are listening, I promise.

     For me, well...you certainly color my world, my dear..... with streaks of bright bubbly radiance and shades of wonder. Forever, you have changed this mama's heart, and forever, I will look to you for dashes of color when the grayness of life creeps in....

     So my prayer for you, my baby boy, is that you will always have this enthusiasm for life. That you may look to our God for comfort and peace and unbounding love. That you will know the gift of you. That you will continue to color the world with the essence of you.

All my heart.
Forever.
~Mama x0x0 

P.S. Loving, too, that you love learning your prayers and that you say "Alleluia" when it's time to turn on your music for bedtime....

Sharing gratefully with Moments of Grace

Catholic Woman's Almanac ~ 7/16/12

Moments of Gratitude

~ sharing the day with Whitney 

~ daydreaming with Tom 

~ watching Max and Joe build memories and hearing the laughter as they play

~ memories that flood back in

Beauty in the Ordinary

Blonde in the sun

From the kitchen

Cucumber salad, fresh-brewed iced tea, coconut-milk popsicles. Lately it just feels too hot to cook.

Praying

For our troops and for their continued safety... 

For my sis and for her newest baby, Charlie...

Pondering

My littlest is turning 2 on Saturday and it still comes as a surprise that he is getting older. With his wildly independent streak, I am savoring the moments when he crawls into my lap and snuggles in or brings me a book to read. Grateful, too, for the moments when Joe (at the ripe old age of 10) wants to curl up and read. May this never really end...

Reading

The Book of the Dead ... a fun summertime read

The Incredible Journey ... with Joe
Once Upon a Potty ... with Max. Over and over. And EXCITEDLY!!!!

Pinned

For the birds  boys... ;) .. fun things to make for birds. By the boys.

Storybook wisdom ... What Harry can teach Joe

For when I'm fearful ... a good quote

Looking ahead

Is it wrong that I don't really want to look ahead? This week I am truly enjoying the slower pace of summertime and laziness and just being with my boys as much as possible. Tonight we are having dinner with some wonderful friends and are going to make some plans for when we are in Florida at the same time. Yes. The land of Mickey. (Looking ahead to this trip still makes me a little dizzy. Next week.)

Captured

Brothers

Sharing again today at Suscipio

Catholic Woman's Almanac

First of all, I apologize for the long distance between postings.... there has been so much to say and yet, well, sometimes I am unable to simply because of the fear and joy and hurt that fills my heart. I will be better, I promise, and this new link-up is a great place to start to begin to trust my feelings again......

Moments of Gratitude

~ dear Carol, her sweet friendship, and time to just BE (And recognizing that someone traveled across 3 states with 3 girls to come and visit me?!?! Humbled.)

~ tears of cleansing and prayers for humility and grace

~ conversations with Kristie who is like 8 states away, and for the instant love and understanding that comes across the miles

~ life seen through the eyes of a 10 year old boy who wants there to really be a Star Wars world "in real life"... 

~ giggling 2 year old who thinks that a sock puppet with no eyes (literally, just a sock from the laundry basket) is the most wonderfully funny thing in the world

Beauty in the Ordinary

Lucy meeting Charlie ~ Family

From the kitchen

Lovely zucchini and cherry tomatoes from the garden. We fried some and grilled some and ate some right off of the vine. It has been so miserably humidly hot here so there has been lots of watermelon and cold cucumber salads too.

Praying

for continued guidance on this path of motherhood.... and for the grace to accept the trials that come. Oh how I need to just need to learn to not let the things that people say or rolled eyes that they send my son's way or the "what's wrong with him, exactly?" questions that are so rudely asked. As 40 approaches, I still have my heart on my sleeve and thin skin, and the firm belief that yes, the world is a beautiful place. While I do love that about myself, it has also caused me the most grief, for it is hard for this extrovert to not allow what others say become truth. 

Meditating

"You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our hearts are restless until they rest in You." 

~ St. Augustine

Pondering

How have I been so lucky to have the powerful friendships that I do?! Such love and trust and heart are so precious to me, and when women can form such bonds, I believe that it is one of the strongest things on the planet. We need to to build each other up, pull each other up, and continue to share our hearts, our stories, and our lives. Why haven't I been better at this?!

Reading

Queen of the Summer Stars ~ a fun summer read about the Arthurian legend from Guinevere's perspective. This is the 2nd in a trilogy.

The Willoughbys ~ with Joe. Such a funny story with heart.

Magnificat 
Time For Bed ~ with Max... "A-den A-den!" (Again, Again!) Precious bedtime reading...

Pinned

Damage = Beauty (I am touched by brokenness. And the beauty that results.)

Smoky chili bison black bean burgers (this sounds so yummy. i have bison meat from our CSA...)

Sea = Remedy (Always yearning for that ocean. The salt air pulls at my heart.)

Introverts (Still learning about my darling son, Joe.)

Looking ahead

The boys and I are finally going to have an almost completely unstructured week next week. We can visit friends, sleep in, nap, use our zoo passes, and just play. Schedules are great, but.... I feel the need to be free. Two boys help will help me to catch that feeling.

Captured

Max (almost 2)

Hoping to share at Suscipio every Monday (not Wednesday like this week...)