A little bit of magic ~ {PHFR}

Once in awhile, there is a picture that captures so much of my heart that I just wonder if it is still inside of my body. 

When a moment of magic pierces the ordinary with such a fierceness that it melts away all of the everyday-ness and becomes a snapshot for the ages.

Our normally vivacious Max stared at this dear Santa and looked back at us with such quiet wonder that it made me stop. 

And just observe. 

(I recognize that this is a tough thing for me. I like to be smack in the middle of the action. Laughing, talking....being. But my energetic two-year-old taught me to be quiet. 

Seems that I am ever-learning things from my children....especially this year.)

He then left our side and walked boldly up to him and climbed onto his lap. 

Not saying anything.

Just looking.

Just listening.

And eventually accepting a candy cane.

It was a moment gone too soon, but one that will forever be filled with....

....my child's perfect amazement

....the warmth of my husband's hand in mine

....magic

Joining in with the others at Like Mother, Like Daughter

Yarn Along ~ heading into Advent

Right now, there is nothing on my needles, and I am joyfully waiting for some beautiful yarn that a friend bought for me from the Hudson Valley Sheep and Wool company. However, I did accomplish a rough and uneven  rustic mat for our prayer candle. 

Still learning, and I imagine that this is what it feels like when someone struggles to read? I look at patterns and feel rather helpless and confused and completely clumsy. But I keep at it...attempting, failing, trying. That constant circle of learning that is so often abolished because it can be so overwhelmingly difficult...

So as we journey into Advent, that "little Lent", this creation of mine, with its rough edges, uneven bumps, and raggedy sides can serve as that reminder of what it means to be human. What it means to keep hope alive, despite our rough edges....

I have to tell you that I never really gave much thought to Abraham (aside from the story of Isaac), and am truly enjoying this book about my faith, the faith of my ancestors, and the Muslim faith. Thought-provoking, and a very interesting read. As for my family, we will be using the "Tree of Hope" to make our Jesse tree to make our Advent celebration a beautiful connection with our journey to the manger.

As I slow down this holiday season, I want to remember what it is that I am celebrating, and what I want my children to remember. Not the hustle-bustle-crazy that is what the world seems to embrace, but rather the slow walk towards Bethlehem that the Magi took. (And enjoying all of the roughness, bumps, and raggedy-ness along the way.....)



Joining in with Ginny and others today.....
 

Puzzling #3 ~ The long, hard post....

Looking back, back to the beginning of our marriage, I clearly remember looking at Tom in absolute wonder and joy, and couldn't wait to begin our journey. To diaper babies, chase toddlers, read silly stories and pray as a family with this amazing man. His love for life and joyous heart spoke to mine and indeed, speaks to me today.... 

But in any great love story, there is doubt and fear and impatience all wrapped up into it too, isn't there? For as much as we wanted those babies, they were a while in coming.... And in that waiting time, I felt my personality shift into fear mode, with a side of envy and desperate want. This wasn't who I wanted to be. For goodness sake, I wanted the hard stuff.... Here we are, Lord. Do with us what You will... (and can you please hurry?)

And yes, in God's time, six years later, we were indeed gifted with Joseph. Our Joe. A tiny bundle of energy who brought more joy to our lives than we could begin to fathom....our world was never ever going to be the same and we couldn't have been happier. And we are still happy, but a new reality is shaping.... and we are being shaped by it.

When Joe was two, and in pre-school, I couldn't wait to go to his "Mother's Tea".  This. THIS is what I had longed for all of those years. To play and enjoy all of those wonderful mommy events. As I came down the hall and heard the joyful shouts coming from the room, it warmed my heart. But when I looked in, I saw a group of boys build a tower and then send it crashing with a truck, while over in the other corner, there were boys and girls playing house. Where was Joe? Surely, he must be in the bathroom?

And then I saw him. 

He was sitting in front of the bookcase with a book on his lap and completely entranced. My stomach dropped as I waited for him to notice me. Eventually, he looked up and with a little smile said, "Oh hi, mommy. Be right there." (Mind you, he had a speech delay, so this is what I knew he said but it didn't sound quite like this.)  Even as I type this, there is a lump in my throat. I hate to say it, but mother's intuition is a blessing and a curse. I had a background in Psychology, had worked as an Early Intervention Specialist, and was a teacher. I *knew* that this was not a typical reaction from a 2 year old. For most children, social play is typical. And while I was glad that he liked books....well....my heart has never really been the same. It's true that he has always been a little puzzle....

I have to tell you that this has been a rough week. After many years of never really having all of the answers, and knowing that he has ADHD and anxiety but that that really didn't answer it all.... 

we learned that Joe has Asperger's. 

That he is on the spectrum of autistic disorders. (And the crazy part? When the DSM-V comes out? Asperger's won't really exist. It is all going to fall under the umbrella of Autism Spectrum Disorder, or ASD. How's THAT for confusing? This disorder is so incredibly strange because it doesn't look the same in any two people. It is why it is so tough to diagnose.) 

And here is where my fear ramps up again. I imagine some people reading this, nodding their heads saying, "See. I knew it." or "How did they not know this?" I feel judged and shamed and scared to death.

When in reality, do you really think....
that I didn't know that he wasn't socially mature? 
that we buried our heads in the sand? 

Do you really know how hard this has been and continues to be?

How it breaks my heart to watch him attempt to make friends or play sports, and stop after awhile because it is just too hard? 

Do you know that when you are enjoying a houseful of people this Thanksgiving, that I will have to carefully watch and see if Joe gets too overwhelmed? Even with family? Make apologies and have him apologize?

Gosh. And family. Talk about the swirl of emotions there! As the oldest grandchild, the oldest cousin, we have to watch as the younger ones wonder why he sometimes walks away from them. More overwhelming feelings of guilt.

Disclosing this so publicly is tough, but if Tom and I have been anything, it's honest. We have to admit that this is hard for two social butterflies to understand. We crave conversation and togetherness and emotional connection. On the surface, this label that is now placed on our child screams avoidance and social isolation and disconnect.

But this label? This doesn't even begin to capture all of the wonder and spirit and character of my child. No label can begin to encompass the divine grace and goodness that is wrapped up in flesh.

Here is what I do know:

Joe's Baptism pillow, handmade by my sweet cousin, Julie Burchell Cowan

For this child I prayed. We prayed. Joe is who he is, and we are here to love him. 
No. Matter. What. 
We will continue to love and pray and fight for and nurture and help him however we can. Even if it means that we are taken out of our comfort zone. Even if we have to slow down and  allow him to grow at his own pace. Even if it is horribly messy and we make mistakes and we fall down a thousand times over. Even if....

No. We didn't pray for a perfect child. 
Yet somehow, we got the perfect child. For us.

Five Minute Friday (well, on Saturday) ~ Quiet

Joe.... Oldest child of my heart.... 
How much you have taught me by your life. 
I *KNOW* that I am a loud, loud mama.
I do.  

It's hard, this quiet thing that you are so fond of. 
(I mean, your daddy and I once talked for an entire day and night.)

How is it that you, since birth really, knew that you needed alone time? 

You have helped me to quiet down. 

Look up.

Look down.

To stare at the wonder of it all.

To see that hidden butterfly (that I would have missed with all of my talking)
To see the tiny ants carrying food (as I asked about your day)
To hear the wind in the trees (as I am wondering what in the world is for dinner and asking you if you have homework)
To listen to the whisper of God amid the chaos....

(I thought that I was supposed to teach you?)

Your insight is a gift. 
A gift I need.

Quiet child, keep teaching. 
Keep me grounded with your silence.

I promise to listen....

Joyfully joining in (a day late...) with Lisa-Jo and all the rest of the wonderful women at Five Minute Friday.

{CWA} ~ October 15, 2012

Moments of Gratitude
~ sticky lollipop hands offering me the last little bit
~ teaching Joe the finer points of scoring in football...(he doesn't care, but know that daddy and I do...so he listened and is taking it in)
~ sweet helpers at the grocery store who make my child laugh at just the right moment
~ prayers whispered and sung

From the Kitchen and Pondering about Beauty in the Ordinary
....there is this Chicken coconut curry in the crock pot and simmering on the stove is this Lamb stock (thanks to the bones from our CSA).  Later in the week, we may have a fritatta. 

As I talked with my friend Colleen this morning, I mentioned that clearly, my mind and heart are wrestling with some very loud fears. I know this, because my sink and counter tops and stove are working at full capacity. When I am overwhelmed, I cook. There is healing and grace that comes from chopping and slicing and boiling....  Motherhood, this beautifully raw vocation that I have chosen and desired astounds me with the force of it. How it can wrap my heart in a love indescribable and yet bring me to my knees with the pain of it.... And so as I attempt to make sense of it all....I cook. 

And as I do, there is a prayer card tucked against the windowsill behind a rock that Joe gave to me years ago from a walk in the woods. This is the image I see:

And this is the prayer:

O Mary, Mother of the Unborn, protect the gift of human life which your Divine Son has allowed to be given.

Give strength and joy to all parents as the await the birth of the precious child they have conceived.

Give courage to those who are fearful, calm those who are anxious and guide all of us, with your motherly care, to treasure and protect the miraculous gift of human life.

We ask this through your Son, Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen. Mary Mother of the Unborn, Pray for Us.

Praying

...for continued grace to just allow life to flow as it should as I watch my children become who they were meant to be...no matter how long it takes, or how hard the struggle. To just enjoy the journey. I am not called to measure myself or my children against anyone else. (But how do I tell that to my heart?)

...for our country...that we come to recognize that all life is Sacred... (how have we come to believe that children are expendable? or that we can just choose to not allow them to live? I just don't understand. We can do so much better.)

Reading

Magnificat
Abraham, A Journey to the Heart of Three Faiths
Secrets of Eden by Chris Bohjalian ... for some reason, this author has completely captured me lately. This is the 5th book of his that I am just devouring....

Captured

I have to share this picture from 2 weeks ago when we went to the blessing of the animals. Our wonderful Deacon Eric, Joe praying and holding tight to our dog, Cleo. And then there's Maximilian, checking in on our kitties, Han, and Sasha. (His comment, "Day get wawa too?" just melted all of us.)

Sharing with the beautiful women of Suscipio

Fall Hike....

To maintain a joyful family requires much from both the parents and the children. Each member of the family has to become, in a special way, the servant of the others.

~ Pope John Paul II

There just never seems to be enough time, does there? I could have spent all day outside with these two.... This world just spins too fast, and it is necessary to take time to squeeze out every ounce of joy.

Oh this little face.... How I wish that time could 

just. stand. still. 

And as the time came to go home, and tired little feet just couldn't make it up the hill, I loved the tenderness of father and son. The complete trust and adoration just melted my heart. I followed behind, blinking back tears, and attempting to drink in the memory and burn it into my heart.....

{CWA} ~ October 8, 2012

Moments of Gratitude

~ Joe's unbridled laughter while watching Victor Borge 
~ Tom bringing me a cup of coffee with just the right amount of sweetness
~ blessing of the animals at our parish
~ praying the living Rosary with Joe at school
~ hearing Joe teach Max the Hail Mary line by line... with patience
~ phone calls from sisters
~ e-mail from mom and dad while they are in Sicily

Beauty in the Ordinary

My climbing rose blooming at the top of the gutter.... ;)

From the kitchen

~ Butternut squash soup (without the heavy cream...it just doesn't need it, and neither does my figure)
~ Roasted pork loin (never got to it last week...)
~ Something warm and apple flavored....maybe this?

Reading

Pondering

"America you are beautiful . . . and blessed . . . . The ultimate test of your greatness is the way you treat every human being, but especially the weakest and most defenseless. If you want equal justice for all and true freedom and lasting peace, then America, defend life." ~ Pope John Paul II

Praying

~ Oh. Still lots of prayers happening here for our country.
~ Also, for an increase in civility with one another.... We need to be able to disagree without such anger and hatred. The internet, unfortunately, has often become a weapon of words....
~ For my sister Katie, as she celebrates her birthday tomorrow. Love you, sis. xoxo

Captured ~

My son, Joe, captured this picture of Mrs. Romney as I was holding a very wiggly Max..... Even though our little group didn't have a ticket, she came over to us to say hello. She was incredibly kind and gracious...

Gratefully sharing with the beautiful women at Suscipio today

{PHFR} ~ October 4, 2012

{ Pretty }

This is our sweet kitty, Han (as in...Han Solo of course). I just loved the way that his stripes looked as I walked past the dining room. On this, the feast of St. Francis of Assisi, I wanted to show how lucky we are to have this stray as part of our family. 

{ Happy }

On a recent sun-filled day, Max and I spent almost the entire time outside. Not only did the sunshine make me happy, but oh, this child who wanted to "dwaw" and "wawa pants" just made my heart sing. 

{ Funny }

As we celebrated my nephew Charlie's Baptism, I couldn't help but capture this picture of his brother, Peter. Before we headed out to the cathedral, there were tornado warnings and it POURED. Luckily, we all made it safely, but with boots on, of course! 

{ Real }

 There is nothing more real to me than the Sacraments of Initiation. These pictures of Charlie's Baptism invoke in me the powerful love of God and human connectedness. My cousin Jason was recently ordained a deacon and was able to celebrate this Sacrament... What a gift. And although these pictures don't show my sister Katie, Charlie's mama, I loved the connection between my cousin Julie, Charlie's godmother, and Charlie.... 

Sharing today with Like Mother, Like Daughter

Dreaming of the Sea..... a letter to Tom

"The sea does not reward those who are too anxious, too greedy, or too impatient. One should lie empty, open, choiceless as a beach--waiting for a gift from the sea."

- Anne Morrow Lindbergh

(See this? This is soul-stirring for this crazy wife of yours....)

Dearest one, 

     

  How I feel the need to ask for your forgiveness.... To let you know that I know that I have been a little bit crazy-yelly-monstrous  ...overwhelmed.... lately. Please, please understand that it is not because of you, or in spite of you, or because of things not done. No. Rather, it is this yearning-dreamer heart of mine that gets in the way of daily life. Getting stuck in the rhythm only, and not helping to increase the joy. My life is truly peopled with the most wonderful of human beings. 

     How selfish I feel that I so completely drank in the deliciousness of those 2 days away with you for our anniversary. (17! What?! Weren't you just coming to visit me at college last year?)  The time spent with you was a gift in itself because it again reaffirms who WE are matter. The US is so good. And to take me to the ocean? Perfect....... 

     I kept snapping pictures of these two chairs because, well, they reminded me of us. Windswept, weathered, together. Turning towards the sun and back again to the sea as the wind shifted. 

   So with the ocean in my mind and you on my heart, here is what I have done today..... With every pass of the vacuum, a prayer was whispered. With every toy and random item picked up, there was thanks given......With every sock placed in the washer, I prayed for whomever it belonged to....

~ For you, that you would have peace in your heart. 

~ For Joe, that he would be able to continue to love those who make fun of the quirky delight that he really is. 

~ For Max, that I would never, ever cease to delight in the wonder of his life.....)

     And so, as we continue to look to our God and to each other, I want to say that I do thank you for grounding me...

     Just know that the dreamer-wisher in me? Well. Even though I may talk about the roads I want to travel, or the places-by-the-sea where-I-could-live, what I truly desire is to have you alongside me for the ride for forever. Maybe I haven't told you enough, but dreaming of the sea does me no good if I cannot have you there....

With all of my heart, for forever,

~mj

p.s. Um. Here is the perfect example of life lived joyfully. As I type this, Max is on my lap with sticky peanut butter hands laughing at the picture above. "Daddy walking. Bye!!!" Pure joy here. Truly.

Catholic Woman's Almanac ~ October 1, 2012

Moments of Gratitude
~ time at the beach with my Tom to celebrate our 17th anniversary
~ time to meet with Misty over coffee and pastries...and meet "in real life" this beautiful friend 
~ time to play with Max and laugh at the funny things that he does and says
~ time to explore friendships, new and old....

Beauty in the Ordinary

From the Kitchen
Today.....
Chicken meatalls
Sweet potato fries
Creamed spinach

Later this week....
Potato-bacon chowder (with freshly dug potatoes from our CSA)
Rosemary/Basalmic-Pork tenderloin


Praying
~For this beautiful country of ours as we look to the election....and most especially for the respect for all life....
~For my parents and their fellow parish members on their pilgrimage to Sicily....
~For Colleen and her dad as they pilgrimage to Medjugorje
~ For Joe, as he continues to navigate the intricate maze of school, friendships, and just...life

Reading

Listening to

Dying Young Soundtrack
Sesame Street


Captured

My sweet brother-in-law, Eric, and his Godson, Charlie

Gratefully sharing at Suscipio today....

Catholic Woman's Almanac ~ For Labor Day ~ 9/3/12

Moments of Gratitude:
~ reconnecting and renewing conversation with Colleen...heartfelt talks and laughter and spirit
~ rocking, rocking, singing, and praying with Max as Joe sits at my feet and helps to teach him the Hail Mary
~ soul-stirring conversation followed by silly laughter with Tom 

Beauty in the Ordinary:
This week I watched Joe sit by our flower bed and observe the butterflies that flitted among the lantana, zinnias, and butterfly bush. He watched patiently as they came and sipped nectar. I was momentarily transfixed by the way that the sunlight illuminated his hair, how the breeze carried his laughter, and just the absolute warmth of the moment. Beauty indeed.

From the Kitchen:
Today, it is this for leftovers....
Tuesday: summer spaghetti sauce (with corn pasta)
Wednesday: Quinoa stuffed bell peppers
Thursday: not quite there yet.. ;)
Friday: to Katie's for Charlie's Baptism!

Praying:
~ For the unborn, their mothers, and their fathers....

If we remember that God loves us, and that we can love others as He loves us, then America can become a sign of peace for the world. From here, a sign of care for the weakest of the weak - the unborn child - must go out to the world. If you become a burning light of justice and peace in the world, then really you will be true to what the founders of this country stood for. God bless you!
~Mother Teresa

~ For all schoolteachers and students everywhere...that this year will be blessed and peaceful

Reading:
The Lord by Romano Guardini ~ with Tom (revisiting this one that we read 10! years ago together...)
From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankwiler ~ with Joe
A Isn't for Fox ~ with Max (loving the fact that he is FASCINATED by letters and their sounds. He will now point to the Y and say "U" and then look at me and laugh and say, "No, no, no mommy....dat's a Y!" Silly, silly fun that warms this teacher-mama's heart!)
The Sandcastle Girls ~ waiting for this one from the library... about the atrociously evil Armenian genocide. How is is possible that we don't know more about this? I thought that we weren't going to allow such atrocities to happen again? Where IS our humanity?

Pinned:
Peach Frozen Yogurt
Baked Apple Crisp
Shel Silverstein....on You Tube

Looking Ahead:
Heading to my sister's home on Friday for the Baptism of my newest nephew, Charlie. So excited to be with family, sharing in such a beautiful Sacrament..... Oh. And my dear cousin Jason, who is now a Deacon, will be helping to celebrate. 

Captured:
From our trip to Disney....

Gratefully sharing at Suscipio

To Max ~ who colors our world....

Colors swirled on paper 

mirrors your life

swirled in hearts full of gratitude

     Oh Max! Dearest child that has brought such joy-filled crazy to our household. How can we ever begin to thank God for the incredible gift of you? YOU. Our very own "Miracle Max" who came into being at the moment you were so incredibly needed...Grace indeed.
      

     I love to watch you with your daddy, to see his heart melt into a puddle every time you call for him or bring him a book to read or snuggle in tight. You helped to remind him that life is wonderful and silly and I honestly have never seen him more alive....

     And Joe, your big brother? It has been amazing to watch him with you. To see the care and love that he has shown you, along with the playfulness that has emerged? What a gift indeed. I know that sometimes he gets impatient with you (well, we all do) and it is only because you still have things to teach us. Remind us. We are listening, I promise.

     For me, well...you certainly color my world, my dear..... with streaks of bright bubbly radiance and shades of wonder. Forever, you have changed this mama's heart, and forever, I will look to you for dashes of color when the grayness of life creeps in....

     So my prayer for you, my baby boy, is that you will always have this enthusiasm for life. That you may look to our God for comfort and peace and unbounding love. That you will know the gift of you. That you will continue to color the world with the essence of you.

All my heart.
Forever.
~Mama x0x0 

P.S. Loving, too, that you love learning your prayers and that you say "Alleluia" when it's time to turn on your music for bedtime....

Sharing gratefully with Moments of Grace

Catholic Woman's Almanac ~ 7/16/12

Moments of Gratitude

~ sharing the day with Whitney 

~ daydreaming with Tom 

~ watching Max and Joe build memories and hearing the laughter as they play

~ memories that flood back in

Beauty in the Ordinary

Blonde in the sun

From the kitchen

Cucumber salad, fresh-brewed iced tea, coconut-milk popsicles. Lately it just feels too hot to cook.

Praying

For our troops and for their continued safety... 

For my sis and for her newest baby, Charlie...

Pondering

My littlest is turning 2 on Saturday and it still comes as a surprise that he is getting older. With his wildly independent streak, I am savoring the moments when he crawls into my lap and snuggles in or brings me a book to read. Grateful, too, for the moments when Joe (at the ripe old age of 10) wants to curl up and read. May this never really end...

Reading

The Book of the Dead ... a fun summertime read

The Incredible Journey ... with Joe
Once Upon a Potty ... with Max. Over and over. And EXCITEDLY!!!!

Pinned

For the birds  boys... ;) .. fun things to make for birds. By the boys.

Storybook wisdom ... What Harry can teach Joe

For when I'm fearful ... a good quote

Looking ahead

Is it wrong that I don't really want to look ahead? This week I am truly enjoying the slower pace of summertime and laziness and just being with my boys as much as possible. Tonight we are having dinner with some wonderful friends and are going to make some plans for when we are in Florida at the same time. Yes. The land of Mickey. (Looking ahead to this trip still makes me a little dizzy. Next week.)

Captured

Brothers

Sharing again today at Suscipio

Garden Journal

“Designing the garden is like learning to speak. You begin with odd words – learning the individual plants. Then you create a simple phrase, finding two or three plants that look well together, next comes a sentence and finally the complete story.”

~ BETH CHATTO

Sage and Lavender

It really is humbling, this gardening love. In the springtime, I see such hope and am awed by the newest of growth. Flowers are bursting with color...and the smell? Heaven. 

But then, as these dog days of summer come, there comes a feeling of desperation. 

Are the tomatoes growing?

What IS that bug?

Oh. I guess that the cucumbers have given up?

Every walk in the garden is punctuated by successes. And failures, too. To be quite honest, I live in a wonderful area surrounded by ancient oak and dogwood trees. My two garden boxes are placed in a spot that gets sun, but later in the day. As I look at the plants, it is plain to see the STRETCHING that they are doing. Feeling a little guilty, actually, as I haven't given them the proper place to grow....

See the spindliness?

And then, most unwelcome, that thought extends to my sweet boys. 

Are they growing well?

Have I given them the love and joy and sunshine that they need? 

As I breathe a prayer, I am gently reminded that this life is a journey, and a process. We walk toward grace in faith and love and hope and while the process may be messy and tragic and full of weeds, the fruit that comes is indeed blessed and we are grateful indeed.

Can you see the zucchini? 

Lovely, hope-filled zucchini flowers

Okra

My garden and my life may have its share of weeds and bugs and drought. But looking closely? I wouldn't trade it for the largest or most lush garden in the world. No. My journey with my husband and my boys is worth so much more. 

As we color our world with our dreams and plant seeds of hope and faith, we bask in the light of our faith, and enjoy the flowers that happen to come our way.

Hydrangea

Sharing with Ginny today, at her beautiful place....