Wednesday, June 1, 2011

When doubt comes 'round again....

     Sitting with Joe last night, in the fading light of day, my heart was troubled. As I watched him work through a math problem on a math placement test, I was immediately blind-sided by a feeling of worry so heavy that I felt that my heart would break. You know. The soul-gripping, mind-fuzzy kind that threatens to break you in half.
      You see, I am still fighting within myself about my ability to home school. Not the decision to, for that has been prayerfully, peacefully made. No. Instead, it's that horrendously wicked self-doubt that grips with talons. Tearing at my self-worth. And all because of the decision over what math curriculum to dive into? Really? Why do I allow this to happen? And what if I don't do science right? Will he learn all that he is supposed to? Oh dear.... All because I allowed DOUBT to enter in. 
      And then Tom, my cool-as-a-cucumber husband-who-seems-to-be -able-to-do-anything-he-wants-to-and-do-it-well-without-really-thinking-about-it walks in and simply says, "But honey. We really haven't been to any conferences yet or really physically looked at them. How do we know what to look for yet? Let's just take it one step at a time. We'll do what's right."  He does have a point there. More than you know. I do tend to jump in feet first and then wonder why I'm drowning ... I love ideas and thoughts and dreams, and then have a tough time seeing them all the way through. It's truly one of my character flaws traits. So why can't I trust in myself? What is stopping me there?
     Lately, I have been reading Ann Voskamp's book, and she has such a way of weaving words. Somehow, I needed to hear this:

  Joining in with others here:  
Stay calm, enter the moment, give thanks. .... I breathe deep and He preaches to me, soothing the time-frenzied soul with the grace river to whisper. Life is not an emergency. Life is eucharisteo..... That in Christ, urgent means slow. That in Christ, the most urgent necessitates a slow and steady reverence. ..... Life at its fullest is this sensitive, detonating sphere, and it can be carried only in the hands of the unhurried and reverential - a bubble held in awe. (From pages 74-75)
     Oh how I needed to hear this. It's OK to take things slowly, despite what this crazy harried world tells me. It's alright to wonder and question, as long as it leads me to Christ. To trust. To believe. And yes, to hope.         

     As I continue to pray, research, and indeed dream about what I want next year to look like, I will also try to do better with trusting myself. This is going to be harder than teaching for me, by the way. Because it means that I will have to trust that I make the right decisions. (And will I?) Even if not everything turns out the way that I think that it should, I do know that I am so very blessed to have a husband who allows me to question and wonder, to dive right in, and who will be there when I doubt or flounder or just plain mess it up. Who will help to lift me up to God. And I couldn't ask for more. 

(I suppose that I imagine that I am like these daisies...reaching for sun...the Son...For air. For nurturance...)


  1. Mary Jo, doubt is so normal when you take such a seemingly huge task. You will do fine because you are obedient to his will. I will say find a support group of moms who have tried this and that and can help you decide before you buy. The conferences are very helpful and if there is a group around where you live, they will be your lifeline and your source of information. There are days when I want to tear my hair out, but at the end of the day I always cherish the time spent with my two and how much they are learning. Blessings and prayers your way!

  2. Thanks Gaby... I suppose I am a true extrovert who needs help and encouragement from others. I am so looking forward to it all...and can't wait to see how Joe likes the field trips and stories that we are going to do.. :)

  3. I loved your phrase about jumping in and then wondering why you are drowning. Tom's advice seems just right. You are really changing a lifestyle and that will take time to find your new way of doing things. Give yourself some grace and let it come to you along the path. :)

  4. I really appreciate that Misty! (Oh how I need Him to give me some grace!) Right now I suppose the path is rather hidden... and that's ok. Just. Scary. ;) Hugs to you.

  5. You are precious! May I speak to your heart just a moment? I have been homeschooling 7 children for 19 years now and I can tell you one very important thing I have learned: the curriculum matters much less than your heart and enthusiasm about the process. Remember: our goal is not a "body of information to be mastered," but a "set of learning tools for them to master." We want them to be life-long-learners, filled with wonder and awe at how all of Creation reveals Him to us. He is the Author and center of all content areas--every "subject" we study is to learn about Him. You will learn right along with them. I have. And it is precious. There are many "curriculums" that will work. But they are all simply tools to aid in the learning process. The process is the important part. You will do a GREAT job!!! :)

  6. Oh thank you Anne... I travel to your site quite frequently for inspiration, ideas, and heart. :) I can't wait for the process. Truly. (and i still need to figure out how to get the reply feature on here...see. still learning. how do you do the Disqus?)

  7. You are so sweet.

    I tried and tried to figure out a way to reply directly to comments on blogger, but it just didn't work. If you go to the Disqus website there are instructions for how to install it on blogger. Then you can import your existing comments into disqus and it moves it all over. After that, you can manage any comments from any post on the disqus dashboard. It is so much better than what I was trying before. Hope that helps, dear. :)


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