Weeds of the heart....

     This process of gardening is at once delightful and maddening. On hands and knees, bending down to pull that stubborn weed, I feel a tremendous sense of ... what exactly? Power? Relief? And if I didn't weed well enough, and the roots are still there... well.... again I have to face the ugliness. The spreading of the unwanted, unruly, unseemly.
     And what of my own heart? When the weeds of anger crop up. Or pride. Or fear. What does it take to pull out the roots from the end? It feels as though I am forever apologizing to friends. To family. All because I allow the painful and nasty part of me to show. It bubbles to the surface and before I can hold back. It happens. I say what I shouldn't. Creating tension. Watching my husband cringe. Feeling guilty. Feeling guilt. Wanting to just....wither. Oh how I need my God at those times. I need to remember that my words, my actions, can be as ruinous, as choking as weeds. 
      It's truly amazing, too, the amount of beauty and the amount of decay that I can experience in a day. Sunday was a glorious day, and a true celebration of a wonderful life, that of Pope John Paul II, of Papa. Then awakening to the news of the weeding out and death of the leader of the terror attacks here and elsewhere. I just don't know what to do with it all. The grace. The horror. The intersection of continuous good and evil.
     And today....truly recognizing that this is what I have the priviledge of seeing every day:

     I have been charged with this little life, and have been given the gift of his life. I need to nurture, tend, and at times, weed out the trouble spots. I realize how lucky I am to have this "day job" and am blessed beyond measure. I drink in the coos, the laughter, the smiles.  .... and yet.....
     That presence of choking, life-draining evil creeps in when I see things such as THIS HORROR. Just down the street from the home filled with incredible love at my sister's place. Near where my sweet niece plays with her puppy and drinks in the love of her family. And here is where the doubt, fear, anger start choking again....
     Dear God, what suffering of these little children. So many families are aching to be parents. For what purpose (is there one?!) did this have to come to be? (The wretched ego rises too...what of my miscarried little one who was wanted, loved, adored?) Ah. But surely this is where grace enters in...
     And so I sit here tonight. In my loving home. Surrounded by blessings, feeling the soft breeze. Awaiting the fruits of my labor in my lovingly tended little garden. And my heart is desperately trying to be at peace. Oh how I hope that I can continue to weed out the trouble spots. To be slow(er) to anger. To truly allow life to be as it needs to be. Wanting to fix everything...and yet recognizing that sometimes the gift is in the wanting. The brokenness....
     So here are some thoughts to end on...and how I want to ease the pain this week:

The marvelous vision of the peaceable kingdom, in which all violence has been overcome and all men, women, and children live in loving unity with nature, calls for its realization in our day-to-day lives. Instead of being an escapist dream, it challenges us to anticipate what it promises. Every time we forgive our neighbor, every time we make a child smile, every time we show compassion to a suffering person, every time we arrange a bouquet of flowers, offer care to tame or wild animals, prevent pollution, create beauty in our homes and gardens, and work for peace and justice among peoples and nations we are making the vision come true. ~ Henri Nouwen

 Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever, is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, let your mind dwell on these things.  ~Philippians 4:8

     God bless you as you work towards what is good. What is holy. As for me...I have some weeding that needs tending to....